Intrepid Murmurings

I recently read a post over on API Speaks, where the author was sharing her thoughts (and worries) about potential child spacing. Man, have I thought about this issue a LOT.  It is a much-discussed topic among parents of young children -- there are so many of us wondering if, when (and sometimes how) to grow our families, and what, in an ideal world, would work best for our own particular circumstances. (I will admit here that as an ex-infertile I know how frustrating the whole "timing" discussions can be for some people -- when folks just assume they will get pregnant on the drop of a hat when they decide.  I feel much less annoyed by it all now, having put some distance -- and three kids -- between those challenging times for us.)

In attachment parenting circles, it seems a lot of folks worry about spacing too closely, wanting to allow each child as much attention and connection as possible in the early years.  Some practical issues definitely color this decision for some, in terms of bedsharing/cosleeping, breastfeeding beyond infancy, and babywearing.  Many of us agree that those are all great physical parenting tools for toddlers and preschoolers, not just infants, but if a new baby comes along, sometimes its just not possible to manage that kind of contact with two (or more, ha) kids.  Having two or more kids under 2,  3 or even 4 or 5 can be really draining, tapping a parent's emotional and physical resources beyond what feels comfortable.  Maintaining a solid attachment to two or more babies or toddlers, and finding ways to "fill up their cups" (giving one-one attention) is HARD.  Gentle, positive discipline takes time, energy, and patience that is sometimes lacking when there are many small people and lots of big needs.  

Lonnie and I always knew we wanted at least two kids.  I think we both kind of hoped to space them closely, while we were still young and energetic (ha) and not very entrenched in our grown-up routines and kid-free lifestyle (maybe this is projecting, though I see it as a benefit, after the fact).  Career-wise, I was in a place where I was not sure where I wanted to go, and staying home with kids was an easy sell. Starting a new career after one baby, then taking a break in a year or two for number two and/or three just didn't make sense.   Close spacing seemed right for us.  

Since we had fertility issues before conceiving Emma, we wanted to start trying again soonish, expecting it to take years, possibly. I started gently spacing Emma's frequent nursing during the day at 15 months, and had my first period within two weeks. And then, shockingly, conceived twins that next cycle. OMG!  We were both overjoyed that it had not been difficult to conceive this time around, and freaked out (at least I was) that it had happened SO soon.  That was not exactly how I had envisioned it.  

I then got pretty sick and tired that first tri, and felt SO AWFUL about it all — Emma was still so young, so needy, sensitive and clingy, and I felt like I was unable to mother her the way I wanted.  I fretted about my connection to her, her having to grow up too soon, all the changes we were going to have to make, yada yada yada.  Some of that was valid, but some was just the emotional issues from being pregnant and tired, for sure. It was SO rough, especially as we adjusted to the news, but it was also just a blip, in the longer term.

We did have to start making changes, though. First nightweaning Emma (which we actually started before I knew I was pregnant), then moving her to her own bed and room (while still cosleeping with her for quite awhile– gradually less as she grew used to it). Lonnie took on more and more of her care, especially at bedtime, though I was still home with her all day.  I weaned her completely around 20 months (a little more than halfway through my pregnancy) — I knew I could not nurse 3 after they were born!  We also started her in daycare a few mornings a week, to give me a break (we were also moving, so I had to pack!). That was HARD, and she reacted strongly to being separated at first, but we kept trying and she eventually got used to it and started having fun.

I probably would have held off on many of those changes for a bit longer -- or not done it at all -- if I had not been pregnant.  I think she was for the most part ready for them, though was pushed a bit more than I'd prefer.  But each step, taken over the span of 9 months or so, really did help us all prepare for the babies' arrival.  Making changes slowly, gradually over the course of weeks and months, allowed Emma (and me!) to adjust pretty well.   She stepped up to the new challenges and surprised me, adapting pretty quickly to the new ways of doing things. 

Emma was two when Elsie and Delia were born. 3 under 3 is definitely hard, and crazy, and exhausting! We were lucky that Emma loved babies (real and pretend) and enjoyed helping out, and also was pretty good at playing independently.  She didn't seem to need the level of physical activity that I know some toddlers need, too -- thank goodness -- since we didn't get out very much!   At the time we were just in survival mode for a good 7-8 months, but I was pretty much expecting that since we were having twins, so it felt okay.   There were many times, though, where I struggled with what I felt was best for babies (in terms of sleep, physical contact, and responding to cries) and what I was able to do with twins and a toddler. I hated having to do some things differently than I had with Emma (including letting Elsie and Delia cry it out for naptime), but then again, the girls all seemed to adapt and go with the flow pretty well, and never seemed worse for wear.    

Many people talk about the "village" or "tribe" concept, in terms of having a community that supports mothers during the early days, months, and years.  I think this is HUGE.  Our culture is just not designed to support new mothers with young children.  Our extended families are far apart, we are so removed from our neighbors, and our communities (workplaces included) often don't have good, welcoming spaces or policies that include and support young children and the mothers who care for them.  Taking care of the needs of several (or more) babies or toddlers by yourself is crazy making, and sometimes physically impossible.  

Despite all the modern appliances and baby gear stacked around our house, and a wealth of information about baby care and twins easily searched for online or in books, what I really needed in the early days (and arguably still now!) was more sets of loving arms, more friends, relatives and peers working side by side with me, sharing chores, swapping stories and advice. I am still so thankful that we did have one grandparent or another living with us for the first 2.5 months after Elsie and Delia were born -- whew!  I literally could not have done it (breastfeeding, anyway) without that. I do feel like now, at home alone during the day with 3 kids under 5,  I am not the best parent I could be, in terms of staying calm, gentle and positive, because I am overwhelmed with need and toddler antics.

So in retrospect, in an ideal world, wider spacing would probably have been better for us at least during these early months and years, especially withtwins!  There are things I certainly wished I could have done differently -- both for Emma as a toddler, Elsie and Delia as infants, and even all three, now.  On the flip side, the spacing worked great for us in terms of my staying home with them, condensing this period of caring for young children into a few short years.  And at age two, Emma adjusted to the “new normal” of having two babies in the house super, super fast — she soon could not remember life without her sisters, so we had very little jealousy issues.  Now at age two and four, they all play really well together, and I see that only getting better and better...

There are pros and cons to all different spacings, and I know folks who swear by each of them. And no matter what you "plan", this kind of thing doesn't always go according to your schedule, anyway! No matter what happens, you make it work the best you can.  Some phases are challenging, but kids grow and change so fast, no one stage will last forever.  This is what keeps me going, when the going gets rough! 

What are/were your thoughts or plans for child spacing?  Did it pan out for you, or do you wish it had gone a bit differently?  What have you learned along the way?  

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Let's talk about food

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have written about their struggles and successes with healthy eating. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

As a mama to a family of 5, I spend a fair bit of time thinking, planning, shopping for and preparing meals and snacks.  We rarely eat out (or get take out) due to the logistics of eating in a restaurant with three small kids, and because of my husband's food allergies (dairy and beef --all things cow) which make eating out more challenging.  Lonnie works (and eats) from home 2-3 times a week, too, and also takes his lunch sometimes on the other days as well.
Making Sushi. Yum Yum!

We go through a LOT of food.  A little more than a year ago, when Elsie and Delia had just turned one and were ramping up their solid intake (eating anything we gave them, oh, I miss those days!) I was shocked to discover how huge our grocery budget had become.  It was amazingly high.  Lonnie and I both love to cook and are "foodies" by nature; while we don't spend much at all on entertainment, travel and recreational activities, we definitely splurge on the types of food we buy, both for taste and convenience.  Not tons of processed foods (those are hard with the dairy allergy!) but things like storebought breads & cereals, crackers and other snack foods, special jarred sauces, fresh and dried herbs, imported ethnic ingredients. Tons of fruit. Some frozen prepared foods.  Quite a bit of meat & fish.  We don't eat vegetarian much -- maybe once a week. 

After my initial freakout over the the high grocery bills, I started trying to rein in our spending a bit.  Not all that successfully at first, but over time things got better.  I stopped buying breads, and mostly made our own with our bread machine.  I tried to buy less crackers and snack foods.  I started buying in bulk more, and stocking up  and working our menus around what I found on sale.  I started shopping at bargain food places like "Grocery Outlet".  I started meal planning.  I stopped trying to replace everything we ran out of, and just worked with what we had in our (very plentiful) pantry and extra freezer.  

These things did help, though I know I could have taken it a lot further, too.  I could have been a better shopper and planner.  I could have clipped coupons.  We worked on being better about food waste, but it still happened.  We still ate somewhat extravagantly.   On the other hand, I was sometimes sacrificing things that I really wished I didn't have to.  I stopped buying as much organic foods and "natural" brands, and bought more conventional ones.  The meats & dairy products we were buying in those super cheap "family packs" at the regular grocery store were not the nice free range, local, organic options I'd have liked my family to be eating.  But, oh, the prices were so good!    

A few months ago, Lonnie and I watched the movie, Food Inc.  I had known about it for awhile, and was kind of avoiding it (both the movie itself, and the big problems with our food system in general).  But, it was time.  After watching that movie, I made a commitment to shop and feed my family differently.  But how to do that, and also stay on budget???  It's so unfortunate that there can be such a disparity in cost between "good" and "bad" foods (not only for our bodies, but our society, and the planet, as well).  

In the couple months since then, I have made some changes, gone back to my previous ways on others, and have more in mind to tackle. Here is a list of some of the things I do (or am hoping to do) to balance our desire for high quality, sustainable, healthy food while keeping our food bills from rocketing through the roof.  I will totally admit, we are not there yet!  

Fruits and Veggies

• Belonging to an organic CSA.  We've been doing this for a couple years now, and will continue.  I feel like it's a pretty affordable way to get organic fruits and veggies and "buy local" (though I will admit our current one, which we love, does not grow all its own produce -- we get some things from California, too, especially in the off-seasons).  With ours, I can edit or substitute what I want in our box online, to best fit our needs and make the most out of our money.
• Growing our own!  We have two raised beds and a host of other little beds with tomatoes, beets, chard, lettuce, peas, blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, apples, plums, artichokes and a ton of herbs.  We don't always get enough harvest to feel like we are being super productive, but it's something, and we know our own fruits and veggies are healthy for us....  
• Buying local whenever I can.  Buying organic for the "dirty dozen" and conventional for the "clean 15".  All the others -- it depends on the source and the price.  But, if conventional is the only option, I go for it -- I figure conventional fruit & vegetables are better than no fruit & veggies, right?
• Buying in bulk what is in season (and therefore inexpensive), either to flash freeze or to can (ha ha, we'll see)
• Buying canned or packaged frozen fruits & veggies in bulk or in deep discount, as sales happen 
• Farmer's markets.  Sadly, we don't do this much, right now.  I want to!   It's been hard, though, with three little ones that get bored pretty fast.  I think it should be doable, though, and could be a great outing for us -- I just need to work on the timing and logistics.  

• Spending more money on high quality meats, but cooking less of it and doing more vegetarian meals to balance out the cost.  I need to work harder on the vegetarian stuff, for sure.    
• Buying a large quantity (high quality/free range/sustainable/organic) meat share -- half a hog, for us, since we don't do beef.  For Seattlites, we bought from Thundering Hooves.  I am still looking for a good (and affordable) organic chicken source -- for now, it's organic chicken from Costco.  I also want to find a good, somewhat cost effective source of sustainable fish & seafood.  Any ideas, Seattlites?
• We get our milk and eggs delivered to our doorstep, and while it's not always cheaper than the store, it's competitive enough for me to keep using it.  I like having a face-to-face connection to the person we buy from and our supporting (our milkman, Jerry).  This also means I don't have to make unnecessary trips to the store (meaning fewer impulse buys) AND I know the milk is local and fresh off the cow.  I splurge for organic for the kids, conventional for me, though I toy with getting all organic. 
• Someday (not now!) we want to raise chickens.  Lonnie also wants bees.  I, however, can't handle caring for (and cleaning up after!) any more beings, right now.  This is definitely a future goal.    

Other Foods & Shopping

Pancake Thief!

• Baking our own whole grain breads with the bread machine.  Making muffins,waffles, and pancakes in large batches and freezing them. 
• Making more of our own snack foods, like granola and granola bars, popcorn, somewhat healthy (am I kidding myself?) cookies, cereal bars.   Easing back on buying as many packaged snacks such as crackers -- and getting them on sale when I do. 
• Drinking water instead of juice or other beverages (other than milk for the kids & me)
• Buying in bulk (and doing the research to know for sure if it's truly cheaper), buying sales, buying from discount stores.  
• Sticking to the list in the store.  Oh, man, is this hard for me!  Especially because I can only get to the store once a week or so, sometimes, and just want to stock up.  Must stick to the list, unless I am truly on a bargain hunt and needing to fill the pantry.  
• Using coupons?  I really don't do this regularly.  Perhaps I should.  I know some folks swear by it!  Any pointers for a busy mama?

 Meal Planning

• Planning ahead enough to shop and use food efficiently, but being flexible enough to work around great sales and fresh ingredients. 
• Planning not just dinners but breakfast, snacks, and lunches too, so I don't just grab what's easy or in front of me without thinking it through
• Budgeting time in the morning to pack snacks and lunches for outings with the kids, so we don't resort to high-priced snacks or unhealthful fast food when we are out (the occasional treat, though, is still totally fine by me!)
• Consciously using pantry foods instead of letting them sit. 
• Looking up/creating (and writing down so we remember them!) new "budget friendly" meals that we all enjoy
• Making double batches of meals, and freezing them, in large sizes for family dinners, or single serve portions for lunches. 
• Incorporating leftovers into the meal plan, and using them more efficiently
• Serving my kids smaller portions (with second helpings available, of course) and teaching them to self-serve their own portions effectively, so that there is less kid-related food waste. This is hard, and on one hand drives me NUTS, but on the other is really just a part of kids learning to estimate their appetite.   A very hard, but critical skill! 

I know we have quite a ways to go, and also that we are lucky to be able to afford what we are currently doing.   Also, I know that some of these things will become easier to follow as my kids get older (and hopefully less picky!).  What have I missed?  What are your thoughts or ideas about how to plan, budget, shop & cook in a way that is healthful for growing bodies and the planet, time efficient, and pleasing to the palate, as well?  

 
Picking Organic Blueberries at Finnriver Farm 

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated July 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Welcome to Two — All About Food — In case you hadn't heard, there is a conspiracy afoot from the two year olds of the world. Shana at Tales of Minor Interest stumbled onto their newsletter!
• Four Seasons of Eating Locally — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction has pointers for what fresh produce can be found year-round. (@MBJunction)
• Happy Families Can Have More Than One Diet — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has figured out a way for her family to live happily as vegans and vegetarians with relatives who eat meat. (@DebChitwood)
• My Own Omnivore’s Dilemma — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante prioritizes responsible consumer choices for her family.
• No Gluten — No Cry — Joni Rae at Tales of a Kitchen Witch Momma learned to cook balanced meals when her son's food sensitivities prompted a diet overhaul. (@kitchenwitch)
• Try, Try Again — Stefanie at very very fine has become an enthusiastic consumer of locally grown food.
• CSA — Week 1 — Casey at What Love Is wants her children to know where their food comes from, so she joined a friendly CSA. (@CBerbs)
• Food: Parenting or Homemaking? — Michelle at The Parent Vortex sees food as part of a parent's nurturing role. (@TheParentVortex)
• 5 Tips to Help Kids Develop Healthy Eating Habits — If you struggle with healthy eating, helping your child develop healthy habits might be a challenge. Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips that will help your kids learn to make good food choices. (@CodeNameMama)
• Family Food: Seeking Balance Between Healthy, Sustainable & Affordable — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings has a whole list of ideas for how she can improve her family's eating, both now and into the future. (@sunfrog)
• Whole Foods in, Wholesome Feelings Out — Jessica at This is Worthwhile has turned her back on the processed, preservative-ridden food of her childhood. (@tisworthwhile)
• When to Splurge on Organic (and When It Is Okay to Skip It) — Becoming Mamas tell you what foods to prioritize when buying pricier organic food, and where you can find it cheaper. (@becomingmamas)
• A Locavore's Family Meal — Acacia at Be Present Mama tells a story in pictures of her family taking a trip to the local organic farmers market and then preparing a summer meal together with their bounty.
• Eat Your Food, or Else — Why should we not bribe a child to eat? TwinToddlersDad from Littlestomaks (Science Driven Real Life Toddler Nutrition) explains. (@TwinToddlersDad)
• Food, Glorious Food! — Luschka at Diary of a First Child describes three easy ways her family has started eating healthier. (@diaryfirstchild)
• Celebrating Food — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes in food as medicine and thinks it's worth paying more to keep healthy. (@myzerowaste)
• Oil and Yogurt — What have you been motivated to do with the current oil spill crisis? midnightfeedings has started making her own yogurt. (@midnightfeeding)
• Growth-Spurt Soup (AKA "Beannut Stew") — BeanMa has a special stew to help her baby through growth spurts that keep her up all night. (@thebeanma)
• Why I Love The Real Food Community — Much like many people who follow AP/NP values, Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! takes the parts of the "real food" philosophy that work for her family and leaves the rest. (@bfmom)
• Feeding a Family of Six — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children gives helpful tips for feeding a family of six.
• Starting Solids at 6 Months — Did your doctor recommend that you give your baby cereal? Sheryl at Little Snowflakes discusses how whole foods are so much healthier (and more delicious) than traditional cereal. (@sheryljesin)
• Am I What I Eat? — Andrea!!! at Ella-Bean & Co. has figured out a way to avoid grocery stores nearly altogether.
• Are We Setting Our Kids Up To Fail? — Megan at Purple Dancing Dahlias found that cutting out the junk also transformed her sons' behavior problems.
• Changing your family's way of eating — Lauren at Hobo Mama has techniques you can try to move your family gradually toward a healthier diet. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Real Food — What kinds of fake foods do you eat? And why?! Lisa C. at My World Edenwild talks about why she chooses real food.
• A Snackaholic’s Food Battle — Julie at Simple Life wants to stop snacking and get into the old ways of cooking from scratch and raising her own food. (@homemakerjulie)
• Food, Not Fight — Summer at Finding Summer doesn't want her kids to grow up like her husband: hating everything green. (@summerm)
• How Do You Eat When You Are out of Town? — Cassie at There's a Pickle In My Life wants some tips on how to eat healthy when you are out of town.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Food! — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker hopes that by serving her children healthy, balanced meals, they will become accustomed to making good food choices. (@sybilryan)
• There's No Food Like Home's — NavelgazingBajan at Navelgazing revels in the Bajan food of her upbringing. (@BlkWmnDoBF)
• This Mom's Food Journey — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment made a journey from not paying attention to food to growing her own.
• Who Knew Eating Was So Hard? — The challenges involved in changing to healthier eating habits take on a whole new dimension when you have a child who has difficulties eating. kadiera at Our Little Acorn shares her own experiences. (@kadiera)
• Loving Food — Starr at Earth Mama truly believes food is her family's medicine and is willing to spend days preparing it the traditional way.
• Food Mindfulness — Danielle at born.in.japan details how her family spends money on each category of food. (@borninjp)
• Food for Little People — Zoey at Good Goog wants to bless her daughter with happy traditions built around good food. (@zoeyspeak)
• Eat Like a Baby — Have you been told that you should not equate food with love? Kate Wicker at Momopoly shows us why that's not necessarily true. (@Momopoly)
• Food — Deb at Science@Home tries to teach her children three rules to help them eat a healthy diet. (@ScienceMum)
• Healthy Eating Lactose-Free — MamanADroit gives us tips on how to eat healthy if you are lactose intolerant (or just don’t want cow milk). (@MamanADroit)

While I still haven't read very much of my new copy of "Playful Parenting" (I've heard such great things and keep meaning to dive in further!), I'm trying to pay more attention to what and how my kids play, these days.  I want to take more time to stop what I am doing and play with them, too -- they are generally so good at playing by themselves or together that I don't think to join them.  And, I am so tempted to snatch and savor every minute of my "free" time when they are not obviously "needing" me.  But, I know that its important that I do stop and really play, somtimes - to connect with them, to have fun, and to bring new ideas and new scenarios into their repertoire... 

But for the most part, I feel like they are having a lot of fun, and doing a lot of cool, creative stuff.  Here's a snapshot of my girls favorite toys and games, currently (for reference, Elsie and Delia are newly two, Emma just turned four): 

• Baby dolls (and stuffed animals) -- dressing them, putting them to bed (again and again and again), helping them sit on the potty & changing their diapers.  Also nursing them, though bottle feeding is accepted as a fine alternative food source in this household as well!  Emma has her dolls and animals do a lot of other things, too, like playing games, going to school, having arguments and Big Problems that require solving.   She has always been a fan of all things baby, however, and really likes to play the baby scenarios with Elsie and Delia, too.  
 

 

• Imaginative play about "going to sleep" and "riding in the carseat" (this is mostly Elsie and Delia).  They LOVE this and play it together off and on ALL DAY LONG.  One is the sleeping baby, one is the mama/daddy putting them to bed.  And then they are both the babies.  And then they are both going to the park in their "big girl carseats" (we just turned them around in the car from rear-facing to forward-facing). Its really quite cooperative, with them chattering back and forth about what they are doing.  So cute.



• Emma has her own imaginative play narrating her own stories.  She has a host of characters, and narrates a story (with words like "she exclaimed!" "she cried" "she moaned" after her kids say something, ha ha!).  She is just off in her own world, sometimes, talking, talking, talking (and playing with props, toys, etc, related to her story).  But then if you talk to her during this, she adapts it to include you into the story too, which is cool!

• Playing with the animals from our new wooden Noah's Ark.  The giraffes are the most popular.  Thanks Grandma Elena and Grandpa Tony! 

 

• Fisher Price Little People (the smaller, vintage kind, yo!).  These can hold their attention for SO long sometimes, so I am putting them on here, though they are gravitating towards other doll type things lately, particularly.... 

• The wooden dollhouse.  Oh, the hours spent at the dollhouse.  Sometimes all three are at different sections, narrating a mile a minute, all at the same time. 

• Water play (filling, dumping and pouring).  Now that summer has officially started here in Seattle (as of yesterday afternoon, ha!), this will be a lot more comfortable!  Though they are champs about powering through the cold to keep playing in water.  

 

• Books.  These girls love their books.  Emma likes longer "big kid" stories, and chapter books with pictures.  Elsie and Delia are going through an obsessive Maisy phase.  Oh, Maisy!  We love you so.

• Blocks.  Elsie and Delia like to build "towers" with both the wooden blocks and bristle blocks, Emma builds much more complex houses (and bathrooms for playgrounds, ha) with the wooden blocks.

 

• Cooking, eating, and shopping in the play kitchen.  Most popular foods right now are the birthday cake and ice cream set that they got for their birthday from Grandma Cynthia.  Ice cream is eaten many, many times a day around here.  Cake is served daily, as well!  

• Outdoor physical play, mostly swings, slide, and climbing wall.  They are such great climbers!  

What kinds of play are your kids into right now?  How often (and how long) do you play with them?  What things do you play together, and what do they do by themselves?

One thing about having more than one child, is that it gives you a perspective on how truly different kids can be.  When you just have one, its really really hard sometimes to truely understand that all kids do not act and respond to things the way that yours does.  At least I had trouble with that at times!  Even though intellectually (and experientially as a teacher!) I knew it was true.  

Take my girls.  Emma (the oldest) has always been super cautious.  She was a mama's girl for a loooong time, hesitant about strangers and new situations. Very slow to warm up.  A very picky (cautious) eater.  And physically, always always careful, nervous, and slow to take on a challenge. A lot of times, this worked great for me, especially her being a fairly careful toddler when I had two newborns to lug around as well.  Thank goodness!  

Elsie and Delia, not so much!  They are so different than Emma (though similar to each other), especially with regards to the physical stuff.  Even though they took longer to actually crawl and walk than Emma did, from the start they have been climbers, leapers, adventurers, and daredevils -- both of them!  Delia perhaps a bit moreso (hence the two chipped teeth on one occasion, and fat lip and stiches on another...) but really both of them are pretty equal with this.  Last spring, a few months before they turned one (and many before they started walking!),  Delia --and later Elsie-- started walking up our little slide.  I can't believe that video is only from a year ago!  Since then they've mastered all sorts of way bigger slides, and are now working on climbing much larger things, ladders, hanging on bars, swinging, dangling and jumping...

The thing is, even though they are very physical and adventurous, I don't worry (too much) about them falling or getting hurt, at least in places and with equipment they know well (like our backyard).  I feel like they've figured out what gravity does, and are careful enough to not do something stupid.  Perhaps naive of me, but its worth it to me to give them space and not follow them around.  So lately, we've been letting all three girls out to play in the backyard by themselves.   Revolutionary!

A few days ago they were out there in a brief sunny moment, in between all the rain we've been having.  When I first looked out they were playing around on the swings (pushing each other sometimes, oh so cute!).  In a few minutes I looked out again and saw BOTH Elsie and Delia almost to the top of the high climbing wall, one right behind the other.  The one that Emma only mastered in the last few months!  By the time I was out there they were both up, so here's a few shots of Elsie trying it again by herself... 

Yep, thats Delia again, going up the big slide this time!  What a difference (or maybe not) a year makes!  

Recently, Emma came home from preschool saying something about how "one twin" was missing from her class for awhile.  Or something like that.   Whether the kid was absent or actually "missing" or not was of no concern to me -- as a kindergarten teacher I certainly had my moments were one child or another wasn't where they were expected to be at a certain time, but we always found them quickly (usually, in the bathroom!).

However, the fact that Emma was referring to one of her classmates as "a twin" instead of her name bugged me and I told her that (or, erm, lectured her half the way home, ha ha!).   If she didn't know who was who (they are identical, both in the same class) that's okay and totally understandable, especially for children referring to classmates or others they don't know too well, but to refer to them as "a twin" instead of their actual names (even if it is " x or y," or in our case "Elsie or Delia") does not sit well with me.  Here's why:

1) While they are indeed twins, their twinness is not (and in my opinion never should be) the primary aspect of their identity.  Every child is an individual, with a real name, just like any other person.  If you refer to other children by their first names, please refer to mine by theirs, as well, even if you are saying them together ("Elsie and Delia are playing with the blocks, not "The Twins are playing with the blocks.)

2) It's okay to mix up identical twins, or not know who is who, especially if you don't see them everyday -- just ask them, if you are not sure!  While it's really great to try hard to pay attention and figure out some identifying characteristics (and for parents to help when their twins are younger via clothing choices, hairstyles, shoe colors, or something) it's also far better to ASK the child their name if you are not sure than to just call them "the twins" or to not call them anything at all.  Even at 2 years old, my girls will usually answer and say their name or point to themselves or each other when you ask who they are or if they are Elsie or Delia.  

3) It is important for each twin's development to be seen as a separate individual.  I think it is inevitable that multiples will struggle with identity at some point, and sometimes it will be very very hard for them.  Even if they seem to be a "unit" right now, and appear to like and do the same things or are always together, try to refer to them separately, and speak to them separately, so that eventually, gradually, they will too.

4) Sometimes, it's admittedly easier to refer to twins together  -- when you are talking about both of them doing the same thing -- but use this sparingly.  I find I do it when trying to distinguish them from my older daughter -- for a long time (and even sometimes today) I called them "the babies"  or "the little girls" as opposed to the bigger sister.  For some reason this feels better than saying "the twins", even though it's sort of doing the same thing.  I guess partly because it feels like that term is not a permanent part of their identity that will follow them forever -- it is a passing thing that they will soon grow out of.  Probably better to use their names, even so.   I do use "the twins" or "my twins" when talking to people who do not know Elsie and Delia ARE twins, of course -- as long as their twinness is somewhat relevant to the topic or conversation at hand.  

5) Keep in mind who is listening!  Adults (generally? I hope?) understand that twins are two separate people, with different personalities, interests, feelings, identities.  But for young children, I think this is much harder to grasp (especially with identical or same sex twins).  If children around you hear you referring to other kids as "the twins" they will too, and they may likely stop trying to tell them apart or treating them as separate people.  I have seen this already, with my daughter and her twin schoolmates -- and she has twin sisters whom she KNOWS are two very unique people! Geesh! 

Obviously I am not a twin, so this is parent's perspective -- a parent of young twins, at that.  I'm sure I'll refine my views as I learn and experience more -- and I'll never really know how it feels firsthand.  I can recommend two books written BY twins about this kind of thing, whom say it far more eloquently than I -- Emotionally Healthy Twins by Joan Friedman, and One and the Same, My Life as and Identical Twin and Everyone's Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin (the latter I admit I have not yet finished, but have enjoyed so far and all the reviews I've read have been great!)

I've been enjoying lots of posts lately over at Steady Mom, and am writing this with her blog in mind, keeping it concise for this weeks Mom's 30-Minute Blog Challenge.  

Lately I have been thinking about the level of involvement I have in my kids day-to-day activities.  Obviously, its a lot, since I am a stay-at-home mom and their main caregiver.  But often, I think I tend to be somewhat hands off, compared to some parents out there.  I don't sit down and play with my kids all that often (though I will set them up with stuff, and get them started on something), nor do I attempt to entertain them much of the day.  I try not to do a lot of things for them (age appropriately, of course) -- things like dressing, going potty, getting shoes and coats on, finding toys or getting drinks of water. 

I like to give them lots of space, and time to work things out by themselves.  Figuring out how to satisfy their needs and desires.  Work out problems that arise, on their own.  

They still ask, of course, and depending on the age and need I will oblige.  But often I don't.  Or I tell them to do part of it (get a cup and a lid, go get your coat and shoes) and then will assist with the next step if they truly don't have the skills yet.  But once they do, I will walk them through it, or encourage them, but don't physically jump up to do it for them.  Usually.  

I think this is a healthy thing, that builds self-reliance.  It also encourages them to master the things that are important, and empowers them -- they feel good about doing it themselves.  

A lot of this, admittedly, is due to the fact that I have 3 kids -- once the twins were on the scene, Emma, at age 2, had to step up or she would not get to do the things she wanted.  Elsie and Delia are learning this too, now.  You learn to fend for yourself when there's no extra hands. Sometimes I feel bad about this, because they are still so young, but mostly not.  Its the reality of being in a larger family, I think. 

But some of it is also how you approach things:  do you do things for them because its what you've always done, because you -- or they -- think they cannot do it?    Do you do things for them as a sign of love, even when they can do them on their own?  Do you do it to avoid upsetting them, making them mad or sad, or to avoid a power struggle?  

Or do you encourage them to give it a try, and then make yourself scarce sometimes, so they learn to manage a bit more on their own?  Do you let things go, knowing full well that when they do it themselves, it may not be done "your way" (but that its okay)?  

Some of this is hard, because "doing things" for other people is a way to show love and affection.  Also, when we are taking care of our babies, needs and wants are one and the same.  Its easy to fall into a pattern of thinking that your toddler or young child NEEDS your help with things, and that it will hurt them (or their attachment to you) if you do not provide that. 

I understand that, and I think there is sometimes a fine line to walk.   If a child's request (or demand) is really a call for connection and belonging, you of course want to provide that.  But it doesn't have to mean doing the thing they want every time (and then, perhaps resenting them for it).  Or taking the (seemingly) easy way out by just doing things for them.  

I am proud of my kids for all they do to take care of themselves each day.  I am continually amazed and delighted at the things they think up to entertain themselves (and each other).   They are so capable, of so many things, and I want to continue to foster and encourage that, each and every day.  Some days I fall short of this goal.  But as long as I keep all of this in the back of my mind, I think we mostly do pretty well.

Wow,  its been quite a year!  What a difference 12 months makes!  Things were definitely starting to look up this time last year in terms of getting a handle on the baby insanity, and have only gotten better and better as the months progressed.  Its been nice to be able to get back to a more balanced life, in some ways!  We certainly have room for improvement, but in generally I think we have been doing pretty well.  

Things I am proud of accomplishing in 2009:  

Working hard (but gently) to create and keep our girls on a good, solid sleep schedule.  Serving our girls and our family good, healthy, home cooked meals, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.  Keeping up with laundry and basic cleaning (admittedly with help there for awhile, but no longer!).  Taking the girls on more outings and activities during the week.  Volunteering my time with the multiples club. Doing more writing, and planning for more.  Slowly, slowly, slowly tacking projects around the house, including organizing, yard work, etc.    

Things I hope to accomplish in 2010:

Reaching out and connecting with more old and new friends IN REAL LIFE, not just online.   Purging and organizing our home and routines, to make it a more peaceful and efficient place to live.  Working more diligently on budgeting, especially in terms of groceries and household purchases.  Getting the kids out of the house (and outside) more often, even in the winter months! Building more toddler & preschool friendly projects into our days at home.  Reaching more people with my writing.   Going out on date nights with my husband EVERY month.  Or more?

What's some of your accomplishments or goals for this past year, or next?  Any tips for me on mine?