Intrepid Murmurings

Whoa, today was one of those days.  It started early, too early, which is probably the source of a lot of it.  The combo of a late night for me, a sick-ish kid, three super early-risers and general cabin fever was not a good one.  Emma didn't get to go to school, the kids were bickering and annoying each other like crazy (to the point of actual violence), and even though I was trying to keep on top of things there was a lot of drama and emotion going on.  I managed to keep my cool, most of the time, surprisingly enough (this is not always the case, let me tell you!). But it was exhausting!  

While I feel like I am absolutely still in progress with all of this, here are a few things that sometimes (sometimes!) help us get through the rough patches.  Some are more for the kids, some more for me, but since I am the weather these things often benefit us all.  Some take only a few minutes, but really help my mindset.  Sometimes, nothing works all that well, but at least we tried!   

• Let go of expectations (mainly, what I plan to get done & how I intend this day will go)
• Get out of the house, go to the park, the store, anywhere!
• Find something to all do together
• Or quiet time apart!
• Connect with one kid while the others watch TV
• Let them all watch TV for a little bit.  We all need a break!
• Nurse the nurslings
• Read stories & cuddle
• Play outside
• Be silly!  Laugh.
• Get the kids into the bath
• Go downstairs/upstairs/change locations
• Get out a new toy or activity (not necessarily new, but something that hasn't been out lately)
• Feed the kids a snack, or make snack the main meal
• Turn on feel-good music 
• Early naps or bedtime! Sometimes we just need this! 
• Eat a healthy snack or meal if I have not lately.
• Make bread (in the bread machine, not by hand, though I am sure that's great too!).  This is just a quick thing makes me feel really productive, so I feel better!
• Quickly (quickly!) clear the main rooms of toy clutter  and dishes, wipe down the counters, whatever.  Again with the productiveness. And making our home calm, I guess. 
• Then sit down with tea, chocolate, wine, or all three!

Enjoying rare sunshine in January.  Why not bust out the water play? 

Lately, the kids and I have been on each others nerves.  They have been really annoying me, frankly.  And I have been overly grumpy and losing my temper.  My positive discipline class has been over for quite awhile now, and while a few of us meet up monthly to brush up and keep the momentum going, we are taking the month of August off.   I sure could use some refreshers and commiseration, though!  I have been decidedly NOT positive on more than a few occasions! 

My girls are definitely going through a challenging time, behavior wise.  E & D are so decidedly TWO in their behavior.  Yelling, screaming and whining, making huge messes and then avoiding clean up, dawdling and then ignoring my requests.  I think that last one is the hardest for me right now -- until recently they were pretty good about doing what I asked, which was incredibly helpful.  And now, attitude!  Tantrums!  Squabbles and fights!  I knew it was coming, but having not one but THREE kids testing  me and pushing buttons (but also desprately NEEDING me, and trying to get that attention in all sorts of ways) is a lot harder to work with than one, which is what it has been until recently.  Gah!  

I need to search out some folks (online or in real life) that are working on positive discipline with several (or more) young children.  Any tips on this, readers?  Most of the positive discipline, "gentle parenting" people I know in real life or have read (blog-wise) just have one toddler or preschooler, or perhaps have more kids but they are older, school age and teens.  I know those years will be challenging in their own ways, but the three kids under 5 thing feels like such a different ball game in terms of positive discipline strategies (working on "agreements"? Brainstorming solutions together? Ha ha!) and I just don't know how to handle certain situations positively and gently when the toddler pack-mentality strikes or when they are feeding off each other...

Ah!  This was mostly supposed to be a post about my trip to the farmers market today, and look at it now!  I was feeling overwhelmed with need and grumpiness again this AM, so I decided to get the heck out of here and headed to the farmer's market solo.   Woohoo!  Of course, as soon as I was gone, they were great with Daddy!  I had a great time looking at all the fabulous produce and more at the market, and felt so leisurely buying my goods without kids in tow.  Here is the bounty from my shopping: 

Mini artichokes (one of each of us, including the kids, they LOVE them!), tomatoes, cherries, nectarines, sugar snap peas, Walla Walla and red onions, two HUGE fennel bulbs, and one whole (gutted) pink Alaskan salmon.  

I definitely need to schedule a few more solo breaks like this in the near future (not just grocery shopping, which I often do sneak out for).  I am usually pretty good about doing that, but things have been busy and this (albeit quick) outing was much needed! 

While I still haven't read very much of my new copy of "Playful Parenting" (I've heard such great things and keep meaning to dive in further!), I'm trying to pay more attention to what and how my kids play, these days.  I want to take more time to stop what I am doing and play with them, too -- they are generally so good at playing by themselves or together that I don't think to join them.  And, I am so tempted to snatch and savor every minute of my "free" time when they are not obviously "needing" me.  But, I know that its important that I do stop and really play, somtimes - to connect with them, to have fun, and to bring new ideas and new scenarios into their repertoire... 

But for the most part, I feel like they are having a lot of fun, and doing a lot of cool, creative stuff.  Here's a snapshot of my girls favorite toys and games, currently (for reference, Elsie and Delia are newly two, Emma just turned four): 

• Baby dolls (and stuffed animals) -- dressing them, putting them to bed (again and again and again), helping them sit on the potty & changing their diapers.  Also nursing them, though bottle feeding is accepted as a fine alternative food source in this household as well!  Emma has her dolls and animals do a lot of other things, too, like playing games, going to school, having arguments and Big Problems that require solving.   She has always been a fan of all things baby, however, and really likes to play the baby scenarios with Elsie and Delia, too.  
 

 

• Imaginative play about "going to sleep" and "riding in the carseat" (this is mostly Elsie and Delia).  They LOVE this and play it together off and on ALL DAY LONG.  One is the sleeping baby, one is the mama/daddy putting them to bed.  And then they are both the babies.  And then they are both going to the park in their "big girl carseats" (we just turned them around in the car from rear-facing to forward-facing). Its really quite cooperative, with them chattering back and forth about what they are doing.  So cute.



• Emma has her own imaginative play narrating her own stories.  She has a host of characters, and narrates a story (with words like "she exclaimed!" "she cried" "she moaned" after her kids say something, ha ha!).  She is just off in her own world, sometimes, talking, talking, talking (and playing with props, toys, etc, related to her story).  But then if you talk to her during this, she adapts it to include you into the story too, which is cool!

• Playing with the animals from our new wooden Noah's Ark.  The giraffes are the most popular.  Thanks Grandma Elena and Grandpa Tony! 

 

• Fisher Price Little People (the smaller, vintage kind, yo!).  These can hold their attention for SO long sometimes, so I am putting them on here, though they are gravitating towards other doll type things lately, particularly.... 

• The wooden dollhouse.  Oh, the hours spent at the dollhouse.  Sometimes all three are at different sections, narrating a mile a minute, all at the same time. 

• Water play (filling, dumping and pouring).  Now that summer has officially started here in Seattle (as of yesterday afternoon, ha!), this will be a lot more comfortable!  Though they are champs about powering through the cold to keep playing in water.  

 

• Books.  These girls love their books.  Emma likes longer "big kid" stories, and chapter books with pictures.  Elsie and Delia are going through an obsessive Maisy phase.  Oh, Maisy!  We love you so.

• Blocks.  Elsie and Delia like to build "towers" with both the wooden blocks and bristle blocks, Emma builds much more complex houses (and bathrooms for playgrounds, ha) with the wooden blocks.

 

• Cooking, eating, and shopping in the play kitchen.  Most popular foods right now are the birthday cake and ice cream set that they got for their birthday from Grandma Cynthia.  Ice cream is eaten many, many times a day around here.  Cake is served daily, as well!  

• Outdoor physical play, mostly swings, slide, and climbing wall.  They are such great climbers!  

What kinds of play are your kids into right now?  How often (and how long) do you play with them?  What things do you play together, and what do they do by themselves?

Elsie on left, Delia on right.  Popsicles were half vanilla yogurt, half mango/strawberry juice.  Delish!

Here are a few links I have been meaning to share, and this is as good of time as any!  I'm keeping these marked so I can return to them when I need a reminder or two...  

You're a Fabulous Mother from A Magical Childhood.  

From Well Grounded Life, What a Good Mother Does.  

The Toddler 10 Commandments, from Code Name: Mama

And I ADORE this one -- They Are Listening, from the Maternal Lens... 

Also, a huuuuuuuuge congrats and welcome home to my cousin and beautiful new baby, Bereket Hanna.  What an awesome family!  

Have a great rest of the weekend, everyone! 

Does anyone else remember that Sesame Street clean up song? Circa 1977?  I was hoping to find it online but alas.  It was the cleanup song of my childhood.  Oh, Muppets, you make everything just a bit better...

Some friends and I were chatting (online) about the challenges of getting our kids to clean up.  As I mentioned last week, I do try to get my kids to do stuff on their own, as much as possible.  But cleaning up their toys, well, that's still definitely a work in progress, ha ha! At ages 3.75 and 1.75 (x2) I still feel like I spend a good deal of my time picking up (or tripping on) the detritus of toys, clothes, shoes, cups and other household items they strew about the house (in mere minutes, it seems).  

I think the challenges with clean up (and kids ignoring you when you are asking them to do stuff) is really common and age appropriate for toddlers and preschoolers (and probably on up!).   Cleaning up is admittedly NOT often a fun thing, and hard for kids who live in the moment to accept and do willingly.  I recently took a class on positive discipline at Emma's preschool and literally every family (20 or so) had challenges with this type of thing.  That felt really reassuring to us all!  Back when I taught 5-6 year olds this was definitely not a mastered skill for all (even with the group momentum helping my cause).

I've recently been getting a bit more frustrated by the whole clean-up regime around our house.  We definitely get resistance!  I admittedly didn't start having Emma regularly participate in clean up until 3.5, at least in an organized manner (she'd certainly do it sometimes, just not every time, or even daily).  Now, we have all three girls doing at least some each days, and sometimes its smooth(ish), other days Not At All.  

But, there is hope! Here are a few things that have helped me here at home (or in the classroom):  

• Have clean-up part of a set daily routine, and really stick to it.  In the past its always been after dinner for us, but recently we've been trying to do it before.  I try to have something fun after clean up to look forward to, as well.  With our new routine change we tend to push the coffee/play table out of the way and use the clean, toy free living room for after dinner physical activities, which they love.


• Have a fun, silly song that you put on EVERY TIME you clean up. That way, you don't have to even say a word, the song is the cue to start.  In my kindergarten classroom it was The Yellow Submarine. It was a pretty hilarious thing to have 16 kids singing along exuberantly while they cleaned!  Even kids that were not that into cleaning couldn't help singing along and joining in once everyone else was. I find music really cues in my kids well, better than words. It works for us really well at bedtime as well (they call it "sleepytime music").


• Make it a game, if you possibly can.  Make it a race, challenge them to find all the X's or Y's, shoot hoops into the tub, whatever you can think of to make it fun.  Sometimes my girls need step by step directions to break down a big clean up task into managable parts.  Sometimes, I just don't have the energy, too.  


• I also have been trying to make clean up time a family work time -- where we are all doing jobs "to help the family". If one (or more) of my girls don't feel like cleaning up toys, I am trying to let that go and let them "help" (ha ha) sweep, wipe down tables/highchairs, organize something, etc. The main thing is that they are participating, as are ALL of us at that time.  


• I also try to narrate out loud about what I am doing, what each family member is doing, and why, so that it eventually sinks in that this is just what we do at this time (and that there is a reason we pick things up or do the work we do).   If someone really isn't willing to participate we let them sit in a chair and watch us, but they don't get to keep on playing. So far this is working, mostly.


• The "connect then correct" concept (from Positive Disipline) is pretty simple but powerful, as well. Getting down at eye level, doing something physical (eye contact, a hand on the shoulder or a quick neck/back rub, sitting on lap, reading a story, cuddling, a hug, or just a moment talking about what's going on and feelings) before telling them what needs to be done can really work wonders (I forget this, constantly).


• Back to the routine thing, having a picture chart of the daily routine can be really helpful too! Some kids really seem to connect well to a visual cue (like others connect to the music/auditory ones) and they LOVE pictures of themselves and their stuff. Taking pictures of them doing each of the steps in the routine, ordering them and pasting them up somewhere, then referring to it can help. My class instructor called this "letting the routine be the boss"

This week, at the constant (but gentle) prodding of my instructor from the parenting class I have been taking, we had our first "family meeting". Apparently having these meetings is one of the single best predictors of happier families (or success with positive discipline? I am forgetting the specific factoid), and one of the main lasting things she hoped we took away from the class.  Her personal account of how family meetings helped her family was REALLY persuasive, so we are giving it a go.  

At the start, she suggests only having everyone give each other compliments, then plan something fun to do together during the coming week. Eventually (once the kids buy into the family meeting concept and associate it as a fun/positive thing), you can start addressing other issues that come up (problems put on an agenda) during the week as well.  Sibling issues, behavior stuff, all that can be addressed, making sure everyone is heard and part of the solution.  As kids get older you can also address meal plans, chores, scheduling for the week, etc. But with kids as little as ours, its mostly about compliments and family time planning right now, ha ha!  And eating delicious treats such as brownies. 

This week, we all easily agreed on our outing -- riding the light rail train!  All three girls were excited and so was I!  The light rail is new here in Seattle, and has a stop not too far from us (10 min or so).  I found a really great guide online over at Delicious Baby (here's part one, and part two) that listed stuff to do with kids at each of the stops, so we chose something and off we went!  

We parked at the Tukwila Station (closest to us and with a big free parking lot) and got off at the Othello Station.  We walked a block or so over to Othello Park, enjoyed snacks and the playground (including a Very Big Slide that I unfortunately didn't get pictures of) and then went back to the station and hopped aboard the next train back.  The girls LOVED it!  All three were all smiles, and Delia couldn't sit still until she got her very own seat on the train.  She fell asleep on the way home in our car, but when she woke up she immediately said "train track!".

Here are some pictures of our outing (no pics of me, but I promise I was there too!).  Even the escalators were a hit!  Now that I've been able to scope it out, I intend to take the girls myself midweek a lot more.  I want to check out the other stations, and maybe go all the way downtown!  

Heading up the escalator to Tukwila Station

Running across the field at Othello Park

Delia on the slide!  

Three kids in a tree!  Emma was the least impressed with this photo op.  Elsie looks a little confused about the whole ordeal.  Delia was totally happy just hung out until we got her down. 

When Delia gets us all sick in another week or so, this will be why. 

Heading home.   

Not too good in the blogging department this week -- life is getting in the way!  

Everyone still in various stages of recovery from this nasty cold.  Emma was gloriously happy to go back to school after a missed week, but I had to keep the babies home from a twins playdate because they slept like CRAP last night and needed an AM nap.  As did I, but organized and cleaned up the spice cabinet (aka random stale spices in a sticky ocean of honey) and did online price comparisons for overnight diapers (so worth it!) instead.  FUN!  And they slept for almost 2 hours!  Ran out to pick up Emma from school, and then around lunchtime Elsie became a sad, screaming mess thanks to an ear infection*. Luckily I was able to grab a 5:30 Dr. appointment, fed everyone first then got to the appointment, got the required meds (thank you modern medicine, especially numbing ear drops because ibuprofin wasn't touching it!), and then literally was home for 15 min before heading out again (leaving Lonnie with three screaming kids at bedtime, yeeps!) to arrive half an hour late to a parenting class.  Halfway through the class I realized I left my phone in the car, and called home to check in and they were all asleep.  Whew.  

For two hours every Tuesday night I am taking a class on Positive Discipline at Emma's preschool.  LOVING IT!  Its really great (except for the part where I have to ROLE PLAY, OMG) and I will post more about it soon.  

I've also been tackling various housecleaning and organizing projects (in small chunks, since thats all I can handle) and thats been good.  So much more to do, but it feels like progress.  

Right now I am eating ice cream and listening to silence.  Heaven.  

*as for the ear infection, its actually great that we've made it this far through the winter without more problems, since last year both Elsie and Delia were getting them with every cold that came through.  This is the first since early last spring!  No more talk of tubes, at least for now.   Of course now I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, since in the past if one had it the other always got it too.  So far Delia seems fine (though she was up a lot in the night, too), so we'll see.  I'm guessing its about 75% likely I will be back to the Dr's office within the week for her... 

Today the girls were all having snack around the living room play table.  Often Elsie and Delia have two separate bowls but eat out of them interchangeably -- they kind of share both (unless I am really lazy and only make them one to share between them, ha ha).  Today Delia headed over to Elsie's bowl and Elsie yelled MINE!  And moved to block Delia from her bowl (a move totally stolen from Emma, hee). I fear a new dawn has come, and it's name is Possessiveness. Oh joy.  

I guess I have seen it coming with toys, though.  Lately we've had many (generally mild) skirmishes over toys, which believe it or not is a somewhat new occurrence.  I was surprised how long we made it without more arguments (I am not talking about Emma here -- we often have major sharing/toy issues with her and the babies, which is pretty normal I think).  Hot items for the littles these days: dress up hats, necklaces, or ropes and cords to dangle around ones neck, books, especially The Current Favorite, Where Is the Green Sheep, high chairs when its anywhere close to meal time, Emma's booster seat when it is on the floor, stools, play grocery carts, and bikes.  

Speaking of high chairs, we just got a new one and we LOVE it.  It was high time, as the booster that we have been using up until now is just NOT comfortable for older kids (Emma hated it too around this age) and mealtime was becoming increasingly difficult because of it.  I've been eyeing the Stokke Tripp Trapp for ages, but the price tag on that one was just too much.  This one is spendy, too, but still 100 smackers less, and worth it, as it will be used for years to come.  Now Emma wishes she had one too!  

Holy moly Delia is talking up a storm these days.  TONS of new words, every day.  Current funny/new ones: hole (in the wall near the changing table, and also the drain of the sink), broom,  pumpkin,  okay!, rain (also does the sign for this), bye bye (had for awhile but using it a TON for all sorts of things now), Elsie (!), and tons of others that she echos me on all day long. Elsie is also saying lots of things (including her own name for the first time yesterday, woohoo!), but its just not as noticable or understandable than Delia's current explosion.  

Another thing happening a lot these days: tackling.  These girls are so physical!  Any time someone is lying on the floor they seem to be fair game for jumping on or tackling.  They both do it to each other, and to Emma if she is on the ground.  Climb On Mama has been a favorite game for a long, long, long time, but now it has evolved to leaping/jumping on Mama, which is a fair bit less pleasant, especially when its two (or three!) of them at once.  Ooooof!  I think we will have to come up with some rules for this soon, but its hard to ban it altogether since they can have such fun with it a lot of the time.  Currently whoever is underneath starts hollering if they are not happy and I pry whoever is on top off and put her somewhere else (while explaining that that hurts, interpreting for them what the other one is "saying" ).  Sometimes this is effective, sometimes not.   Here is a picture of a recent three kid pileup. They were all enjoying it but very soon after this Elsie (at the bottom) decided she had had enough. 

Oh, biting.  

We have been dealing with biting for months now, but its getting worse.   Generally Elsie is the biter and Delia (or me, or Lonnie, or this week, Emma!) is the bitee.  Poor Delia last week had 5 visible bite marks/bruises on her one day, some fresh and some a few days old!  Emma got bit twice this week, once when she took a toy from Elsie and kind of deserved it (she didn't cry or complain at all, because I think she understood that, too, ha ha!).  

I was commenting to Lonnie that it certainly gives you perspective to be the parent of both the biter and bitee, and to have them (most of the time) be the same age so there is no power difference, etc.  I know biting pushes a lot of buttons for folks (especially when its at school/daycare and other peoples children doing the biting) but I really don't see it as any different than hitting and pushing, which we also have a fair bit of.  Biting hurts more, which is the big bummer, and leaves marks because of that, but I see them as pretty much interchangeable at least at this age.  And while hitting, pushing or biting is rarely (if ever) an ideal way to react or solve a problem, its also certainly a normal urge or stage of child development in the early years.

Sometimes the biting here seems to be just out of excitement or because there is something interesting in front of her to bite. Other times, it is out of anger/frustration because Delia is in Elsie's way or using a toy she wants (today, it was bike envy in the driveway).  I don't think at this age (almost 14 months) they can understand that biting hurts the other person, so I don't think its intentional yet -- just a form of communication or expression of a feeling.  

I deal with the biting in different ways depending on the situation, but generally always say NO BITING fairly strongly and either put the offender (usually Elsie) down in her in her crib if we are near it (to give Delia a break) or just on the floor away from the rest of us for a moment.   I also say "biting hurts" and point to the teeth(and/or the bitten body part) and do the sign for "hurt" (which they both know now, though I am not sure if they get the concept entirely yet).  Any time I  say "no biting/biting hurts" Elsie points to her teeth, so thats a good sign of some understanding, at least!

I do think E &  D get the concept of "no" pretty well at this point-- they shake their heads now and say "na na na" for no to me, either when referring to something that I tell them no to (like playing with the oven door, ha ha), or when they are initiating no themselves (during diaper changes sometimes, or like Delia today, who said "na na na" to the pasta salad I was trying to give her for lunch as she was tossing it overboard).  

I have also yelped and yelled when they bite ME, and reflexively pushed them off me/over when this happens.  This usually makes them a bit sad, but not overwhelmingly so and not always! I don't worry about it in any case, since its an honest reaction to something that hurts.  

At some point in time (sometime between 1-2 years old, I would think?), biting does seem like it might become more of an intentional thing -- to make a point of displeasure or for attention getting behavior, maybe?  I don't know, but it feels like baby/young toddler biting is in a bit of a different realm than older toddler/preschool aged biting.  Not sure how we will change our reactions if & when that happens, we shall see -- I would think that it would be important to take into consideration how verbal the kid is, as it seems a verbal kid has a lot more "tools" in their communication arsenal than the non-verbal one.

I hope it just goes away before we get to that stage, in any case!   Here's a recent picture of the duo, in a happier, non bitey moment:

And here's one with them both chewing on their fingers -- more teeth on the way, ya think?  Great, just what we need!