I FINALLY got my hands on a book that has been recommended to me time and again: Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense, by Ellyn Satter. Its a popular book, and I was waiting for it from the library for what felt like FOREVER! But thank goodness it finally came, since we are in desparate need of some help in the feeding and food department.
Mostly, our struggles have to do with Emma, though Elsie and Delia are throwing their cups/spoons/bowls in the ring as well (mostly typical toddler stuff at this point). I love to cook and serve food, but I need to be careful because man, it feels like a minefield these days! I cannot let myself get frustrated or take it personally when they are not interested in my hard (and delicious) work.
One of the main points in the book is that in terms of eating and feeding, there is a "division of responsibility" that must be shared between parents and kids. Here is more info taken from her website:
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Parents provide structure, support and opportunities. Children choose how much and whether to eat from what the parents provide.
The Division of Responsibility for Infants:
- The parent is responsible for what
- The child is responsible for how much (and everything else)
The parent helps the infant to be calm and organized and feeds smoothly, paying attention to information coming from the baby about timing, tempo, frequency and amounts
The Division of Responsibility For Toddlers through Adolescents:
- The parent is responsible for what, when, where
- The child is responsible for how much and whether
Parents' Feeding Jobs:
- Choose and prepare the food
- Provide regular meals and snacks
- Make eating times pleasant
- Show children what they have to learn about food and mealtime behavior
- Not let children graze for food or beverages between meal and snack times
- Let children grow up to get bodies that are right for them
Fundamental to parents’ jobs is trusting children to decide how much and whether to eat. If parents do their jobs with feeding, children will do their jobs with eating:
- Children will eat
- They will eat the amount they need
- They will learn to eat the food their parents eat
- They will grow predictably
- They will learn to behave well at the table
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This all makes a lot of sense, and though I haven't read a whole lot of the book yet, her arguments and research are very convincing! She talks about how kids who have trouble with picky or problem eating most often show signs of this, in one way or another as infants -- and indeed! Emma did have feeding issues very early on! She was a challenging and needy baby. She has always been super cautious, very stubborn, and sensitive to her surroundings. My cousin Sarah recently posted a link to this chart about the 9 temperament traits in children (and all of us) and it was really enlightening as well, especially the "sensory threshold" one, but also many of the others too. Keeping this stuff in mind makes me feel better that we are not causing the picky eating stuff, but that its just a reflection of her personality right now.
I still need to read the main sections on toddler and preschool eating and feeding, which I am sure will have tons more advice, but we've already started to make some changes based on her recommendations. We are no longer badgering her to eat more of this or that on her plate. We are not withholding dessert until she has eaten XYZ (this one is really hard sometimes, but I am pretty sure it is the right thing to do -- it is SO nice to avoid the power struggles and Emma's misery when choking down whatever food she hates). We are cutting back on too many snacks/grazing in between meals, and food "panhandling". And as always, I am trying to include a few foods that she likes at every meal (this can be hard, and definitely doesn't happen all the time).
Luckily, our issues aren't as bad as some; I know that and am very thankful. Emma's always been fine in terms of weight/height percentiles and we have no obvious allergy concerns, so there is not that added worry which I know can really multiply the challenges. For us, its mostly about food variety, or lack thereof. I hope that as we lighten up and let some of these issues go, we will see some positive changes! Or at least a bit less stress!
