Intrepid Murmurings

So, the Halloween photos are up in the gallery.  Though Emma had never really seen candy like this (and even before we went trick or treating), she really seemed to get that it was something good, as she kept lunging at it and saying "ummmm,   ummmm"  (which translates to "Yum, I want to eat this!").  She didn't actually try to open them, though, and just had a lot of fun transferring them from one container to another.  She did get her first taste of M&Ms (and a few others, later) and after initial hesitation, realized the folly of her ways and thoroughly enjoyed it.  

And this is Emma in her puppy dog costume.  She went trick or treating to 4 houses, and seemed bewildered but went along with it.   And yes, thats her baby's bottle, which she insisted on bringing for some reason...

Oh, sleep.  How many posts can I write about this topic, anyway?  Yesterday, I posted on a local LLL Toddler mailing list about our current issues.  It is feeling like we are getting to crisis mode, for me at least, some of the time.  Nightweaning is not really doing the trick. 

"Right now, our issues with sleep and breastfeeding are so entertwined  I am not sure what to do with either. She has always been a hugely  difficult sleeper -- mostly just not sleeping much, and hard to get  down when she does. She nurses to sleep about 90% of the time,  though also falls asleep with her Daddy or in the car pretty well.  We attempted (and are still) nightweaning more than a month ago, to  slight success. She sleeps now from about 8pm-3am without waking  much, or if she does, she is able to resettle. From 3-4:30am, she is   often awake and screaming (sometimes with a few episodes of dozing).  This happens pretty much every night -- she usually won't accept  water or a snack. 4:30 is our deemed "wake up" time where her night  light on a timer pops on, and it is then okay to nurse. She nurses  for about 30-45 minutes, or until I cannot handle it any longer.  Often she sleeps for another 1-2 hours, sometimes we are up for the  day."

So, yeah, today was one of those days.  She woke at 3:45, and since we had actually decided to revert to an earlier nursing time, she only had to wait 10 minutes or so.  Then she nursed for about an hour, off and on, then accepted a water and snack, chatted with Daddy who was up to say goodbye (he gets up at the ungodly hour of 4, these days), played around in the bed while I tried to sleep, and finally started screaming and biting me around 5:45, when we got up.   Here's some more of my post from yesterday:

 "Naps are our second nurse/sleep struggle of the day. On a good day,  she gets in one 40 minute nap a day. Most days it is more like 30  minutes, or none at all. She gets sleepy around 10am, and given  the right conditions will take her 30 min nap then, and then nothing  the rest of the day. Every afternoon I lie down with her for about an hour and a half (1-3 or 2-4ish) when she seems sleepy. We read some, nurse  some, and then I mostly try/pretend to sleep while she screams for another hour  or so (interspersed, sometimes, with playing on her own around the  room). She gets so hysterical she starts banging her head against  her crib (which is attached sidecar to our bed, where I am lying) or  starts chewing on her crib while screaming. Eventually, we get up  and go downstairs to play or have a snack."

Sound like a slightly unhealthy nursing relationship, much?  Earlier in the post, I did mention that 75% of the time, nursing is still a good, happy thing between us.  I still firmly believe in the benefits of extended nursing (and cosleeping!), I find that nursing her during the day is great because its a great tool to calm the tantrums and defiance stuff we are getting into, and its one of the only things I can do with Emma where I can be lying down while it is happening!  Huge, right now!  Its just the sleep stuff that is really wearing thin, and unfortunately, thats a biggie. Maybe it is that my milk is drying up, and she can't fall asleep without more milk?  Or maybe there's some underlying allergy thing (she is back on dairy) that is messing with her sleep?  And there is always the cosleeping thing, though at this moment we don't even have a room we could put her in, if we did move her crib out.  Her room has the enormous guest bed in it, which generally one of us is sleeping in while the other deals with Emma in the night.  

"Basically, I am not getting enough sleep at all (even though I try to  sleep every second that she does -- its hard since I am up to pee 5  or so times a night!), and I imagine she isn't either (she will often  pass out nursing at 5 or 6 pm for a bit, only in arms, however). She  is screaming and begging for nursing for at least 3 hours a day,  during those early morning and afternoon hours. I feel like the baby  in utero is suffering because I am so damned tired, sick, and  stressed all the time, from lack of sleep and a proper diet. I feel  like Emma is obviously suffering from a lack of attention from me, or  something related to our nursing and sleep struggles. I think about  weaning daily, but am not sure it will do anything but get me even  less sleep and a lot more work (and guilt) -- she is obviously still needing it  for emotional reasons, at least..."

So, yeah, thats whats on my mind these days. Thinking a lot about what the heck we were thinking trying to space babies so closely when Emma is obviously so needy right now -- all the (kajillion) other moms I know who are also pregnant have toddlers that sleep at least 5-6 hours a day more than Emma.   I know in 6 months things will probably be a different ball game (I hope I hope!), but this being pregnant with her at this age and phase now is definitely bordering on the hardest thing I have ever done (the other being the whole breastfeeding struggles early on).   I am not sure what I am going to do, really, other than stick it out until we move, which will be sometime after the new year, if all goes well...