Today, I started tracking again, in an last minute attempt to have a couple days worth of sleep/food logs that were recommended for our upcoming meeting with a fancy shmancy sleep consultant. Well, parenting consultant, is more her title. Ha! More on that later. But in trying to accurately fill out the food log, I am realizing how different breastfeeding has become. A year ago, oh lordy, I was in the midst of a tough time. It is amazing the difference a year makes!
I can still say with assurance that those first 6 months of breastfeeding were the hardest thing I have ever done. Without a doubt. Our struggles with latch, ongoing pain, and low milk supply were definitely a hallmark of those early months, and while, luckily, thats not all I remember (and its amazing how the intensity of it all fades, with time) I do think I am changed because of it.
While the pain (and therefore the needing of props, and the difficulty & uncomfortableness of nursing in public) dissipated around 3-4 months, I think it wasn't until 6 or 7 months that I was able to get past the worst of the milk supply/supplementing stuff, and therefore really relax about breastfeeding. And its funny, right about then, I started noticing that some folks around me, in my moms group or elsewhere, were starting to talk about (and act on) weaning. Egads, I thought! How can they be thinking this? I knew intellectually that it was their choice, based on their own circumstances, the cultural norm, yada yada yada. But in my gut, I still felt it -- after all our troubles, we were finally on track, and I wanted to savor that, for a good long time yet. The thought of weaning was so far from my mind.
Now, things are going swimmingly in terms of nursing. I've been off all the supplements for months yet there is plenty of milk, she is gaining tons of weight (thanks in part to a healthy appetite and a hollow leg) and the actual act of nursing is so second nature I barely think about it (unless she is teething, and feeling nippy -- yeowch!). But today, as I tried to track her feedings, both solids and breastmilk, I realize how integral breastfeeding still is to how I parent Emma. She nurses frequently, still, sometimes 2 or more times in the span of an hour. Other times, she'll go 3-4 hours without. Sometimes its just a reconnect, a comfort after a frustration or bump, or a pick-me-up snack (or meal!) if she is getting hungry. Sometimes its an attempt on my part to get her to sleep (ha!) or even to quiet/entertain her if I am busy with something else (we are good at the multitasking here). I am trying not to do that last one very often, but sometimes, at key moments, it is clutch. Nursing is my one fix-all trick, and I am not about to lose it as we enter this next stage of parenting a toddler.
A lot of people say it -- that they never thought they'd be breastfeeding a toddler. Not when they can ask for it, etc, etc. Well, she has always asked for it, in one way or another, and now its just easier to know for sure what she is saying. Her milk milk milk sign is sometimes more of a shout, it is so clear! But it doesn't feel wrong, or demanding, or too much to ask/provide. Not at all -- nowadays, it is actually fun. None of the worries of if she is getting enough, or how many minutes on which side. Also, she is (for the most part) much more distractible, so its not a worry about where I'll be and how I'll nurse, when we are out. But then again, for some reason, I care so much less about all that now. If she wants to nurse, dammit, she'll nurse, and I don't care who sees. It has taken a long time to get to this point, I used to be so obsessed about it all.
In some circles, I am definitely in the minority now; not a ton of people in this part of the world nurse past a year. I think at least half of my moms group have weaned, and I know others are nearing the end. Which is understandable, certainly. I so get it, at least on one level. I do think about getting my body back, I do think (longingly?) about the day when I am not a critical sleep accessory. And at some point, I will be thinking more about my (currently nonexistent) fertility -- I have a sneaking suspicion I will be one of those folks that won't ovulate until weaning happens. Who knows what will happen with all that, but its an issue, in the back of my mind. But thats where it is staying, for the time being. We have a Good Thing going, and I'm not about to mess that up.
