Intrepid Murmurings

6 weeks
Dear Emma Rae, You are six weeks old today! I can't believe it has been that long...your birthday is still so fresh in my mind! I think back and remember how you were those first few days, and realize how much you've already changed. It sneaks up on me, and often other people have to point things out for me to see all the changes in you. When you first came home, you were small and red and curled up, sleeping on our chests like a froggy. You slept a lot, but not in your bed much, mostly on me, or daddy, or in your bouncer. You were so hungry those first days, and there was not enough milk, so you were frustrated, but also sleepy, and I had to always tickle your toes, or jiggle your arm to wake you up so you would eat. You always loved sucking, though, from the very first day, just as we thought when we saw you trying to suck your fingers when you were still inside me! Now, you are eating and growing and eating and growing. I'm not sure how big you are now, but I'm finally starting to see you filling out, with creases in your thighs, a double chin, even your head seems bigger, too! Your feet and hands seem to have grown so much, too, and now you use them to grab at me, clinging to my shirt when you are feeding, or punching and kneading my breast. In the past few weeks you have really figured out how to control them more; when you nurse and sleep, your hands are always plastered up to your face, or by your ears, and if I need to move them I have to pry them away. You spend most of your awake times trying to figure out how to stick your thumb out of your fist, and then how to get that to your mouth. It is hard work, but you are getting it! This eating thing, you and I are still figuring out. It is a dance we do every few hours, sometimes less. It seems you want to eat all the time, you love it, and when you want it you Want It Now, and can't bear to wait another minute. Sometimes you have problems hanging on, and I am still having problems with the pain of it all, but I think we are slowly working it out. You have figured out how to look at me, when you are nursing, and when you are not ravenously getting down to business with your eyes closed or fixed ahead in deep concentration, yous stare and me, with your deep blue eyes. Your eyelashes have grown so much, too, and I think about that as I rub your soft brown hair, so incredibly fine, which is also growing, and getting a little lighter, blonder and redder, in the sun. One trick of yours recently has been talking to us — you are making so many sounds these days! One day last week, as I was taking you to your bath, you and I had a moment that was a whole conversation — you saying "ah", me echoing you, you doing it back, seeming very amused at the whole affair. You are also smiling a lot, a gummy smile with lots of tongue, too. This week, I started giving you more "tummy time", and propped on the boppy pillow you held yourself all the way up, resting on your strong arms, holding your head up high, and smiling at me. Later, you kicked yourself all the way over the pillow. We can tell that you just can't wait to move, and will be all over the place once you can. Right now, it is getting close to dark, and you are upstairs with Daddy, I can hear your cry. You are sleepy, so sleepy at night, but you fight it, you hate it, and just cry and cry. The only thing that makes you happy and gets you to sleep is to suck, not a pacifier, only me, and sometimes even that is hard, and you whine through the sucking, eyes welling up with tears as you come on and off, on and off. Right now you and I are taking medicine, to see if it is thrush that making you feel bad (and me hurt), though I think it may just be that you are tired, and overwhelmed with the day, and don't know how to fall asleep yet. We are working on that, and we will get it in time, I know. For now, I still don't mind that the only place you will sleep is next to me, with your mouth or hands fumbling at my breast in the night, sometimes in your sleep, sometimes waking for a few minutes here and there, as do I, and then you suck and we drift back to sleep again. Sometimes when I wake, and see you lying there sleeping so peacefully, I still can't believe you are here, and ours, and that this is our life now, with you and us together....we both just love you so much. And every day, I can't wait to see what you are like tomorrow.