Balloon at Sunrise, 2002
This is my entry for the current Photo Friday contest — this weeks theme is One.
21 Aug · Sun 2005
Photo Friday: One
Balloon at Sunrise, 2002
This is my entry for the current Photo Friday contest — this weeks theme is One.
Balloon at Sunrise, 2002
This is my entry for the current Photo Friday contest — this weeks theme is One.
Open Adoption: A Few Myths Debunked
Here are a few myths I've encountered about open adoption, things that I either read or see in the media or hear from folks in real life, that I've found just not to be true. I realize that many details vary from region to region, agency to agency, situation to situation. There are so many ways and types of adoption, and, of course, huge variances in what folks consider an "open adoption". Many of the stats I quote below are specific to our agency, they are not necessarily the norm -- just my experience. All the birthmothers are teenagers and/or drug users. No, not true. At my agency the average birthmother age is 24.5, the average birthfather age is 28. Sure, sometimes birthparents are very young, but that is not the norm. Sometimes they are single women or college students, or married or unmarried couples who already have children but know they cannot manage another at this time. Since most adoption plans are the result of unplanned pregnancies, it is true that some babies have early exposure to drugs or alcohol, often just until the mother realizes she is pregnant. This type of usage is often not significant and the babies are likely to be born healthy (this is my own conclusion, based on research, I am NOT a doctor). Of course, higher amounts of drug/alcohol exposure can occur, and adoptive parents can decide for themselves what level of exposure they are comfortable with. At our agency last year, 75% of birthmothers claimed no drug or alcohol usage; of those that did use drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, only 5% fell into the "moderate" to "severe" category (which are still rather undefined, relative terms). With open adoption, there's a good chance the birth mother will change her mind/take back the child. She can do it at any time. No way! Once the paperwork is signed, the adoption is final! Though you wouldn't know it from the media, there are relatively good adoption laws in the US that guide and protect those going through the adoption process. They do, unfortunately, vary from state to state, so it is important to do your research and find a professional who knows what he or she is doing. With open adoption, as with closed adoption, birth parents sign consents and/or have their parental rights terminated, after which they cannot change their minds and decide to parent. In our region, this usually happens 24-48 hours after the birth of the child. Nationwide, I have seen a statistic (sorry, can't document where it came from, though) that adoption "reversals" occur in something like .01% of the time, and this is likely due to poor legal advice, or people unfortunately choosing to break the law by ignoring birthfather rights or using coercion to influence a birthmother's decision. It costs a fortune/takes years to adopt a baby domestically. No, usually not! Well, the term "fortune" is a relative term. Yes, having a baby join the family by any means is going to cost a lot of money! Domestic adoption costs are usually equivalent to adopting internationally, which, I have been told (but have no first hand experience, obviously) is often the same as a C-section, without health insurance. This is still quite a bit of money, and a difficult obstacle to overcome for some families. That is the reality of using the services provided by professionals in the medical and legal fields in our country (it is not that babies are being "sold" by adoption agencies). The US government offers a tax credit for adoption costs, which helps adoptive families significantly. Of course, fees range all over the place, from very low to very high, depending on the agency and the extent and variety of services offered. It is wise to research well and weigh what adoption services are important to you (such as counseling, legal fees, mediation, etc). The time factor does vary from situation to situation. The average wait at our agency (once paperwork is filed) is about 9 months. However, many times it is much, much quicker! It is true that, unlike international adoption, with domestic open adoptions you rarely (if ever?) have a set time line, since once you are "in the pool" your wait depends on being chosen by a birth family. Personally, I know many folks who have been matched and have taken their baby home within months of being done with paperwork. For us, it is likely that our domestic adoption will occur much faster than if we had gone the international route. You will probably have to pay tons of money for birthmother expenses. Actually, stats from our agency show that 95% of birthmothers had health insurance and that half of all birthmothers do not have any extra expenses at all. We were also given an average figure for birthmother expenses, if they do occur, which was very reasonable. In my research, I have found it wise to look for an agency that helps birthmothers in need find the programs and public assistance they qualify for, and which does not match more than 3 months before the due date, so that expenses can be minimized. The birthparents will want frequent contact and will probably want more and more as time goes by. They will visit whenever they want. In our form of open adoption, all parties make up a contract which explicitly lays out the type and frequency of contact. Our agency's standard is a 3 visits a year, plus letters and photos. Many times, this minimum is surpassed quickly, as both families become friends and mutually decide on more frequent contact (this is what we are hoping for!) From what I've heard from others, it seems the adoptive parents tend to take a lead here, working to engage with the birth family to maintain contact, not the other way around. Birthmothers sometimes distance themselves in an effort to heal, or as their lives become busy as time goes by. As with any relationship, boundaries need to be worked out, so that all involved feel comfortable. If there are misunderstandings or issues that arise regarding contact, the agency will assist in mediation. I have read many stories online about birthmothers entering into an open adoption, only to have the adoptive parents totally change their tune and disregard the adoption contract once the adoption is final. In most states (if not all?), this is legal, as "adoption contracts" are not legally enforceable. I find this appalling -- what a heartless thing to do to another human being! If you do not want an open adoption, don't enter into one, there are other options! If a birthmothers relinquishment is legally binding, I think an adoptive parents consent to visits and contact should be as well (barring any unsafe behavior, or if it puts the child or family at risk or extreme distress). I suppose there are tricky extenuating circumstances that come into play here, of which I really don't know much about. Still. We are eagerly looking forward to contact with our child's birth family, and will do everything we can to maintain contact and honor our open adoption agreement. If your child knows her birthparents she will decide to go back to them if she is mad/when she is 18. The birthmother can undermine the adoptive parents authority; open adoption is co parenting. Open adoption is not co parenting; the adoptive parents are the legal and emotional parents and have all the rights and responsibilities that go along with it. The birthparents, having chosen the adoptive family and entered into the open adoption agreement, are there to support the adoptive parents of the child, and will do so if necessary. They made the very difficult decision to plan an adoption for thier baby, and will continue to want what is best for the child. Also, children know who their parents are; they know who has been there for them in the tough times as well as the good. In many open adoptions, birthparents are like another friend of the family, an aunt, uncle, or a cousin (though of course with a special bond, which I would imagine grows as the child gets older and understands the situation more fully). Birthparents are not a mystery or a fantasy, they are regular human beings with faults and weaknesses, as well as strengths.
Here are a few myths I've encountered about open adoption, things that I either read or see in the media or hear from folks in real life, that I've found just not to be true. I realize that many details vary from region to region, agency to agency, situation to situation. There are so many ways and types of adoption, and, of course, huge variances in what folks consider an "open adoption". Many of the stats I quote below are specific to our agency, they are not necessarily the norm -- just my experience. All the birthmothers are teenagers and/or drug users. No, not true. At my agency the average birthmother age is 24.5, the average birthfather age is 28. Sure, sometimes birthparents are very young, but that is not the norm. Sometimes they are single women or college students, or married or unmarried couples who already have children but know they cannot manage another at this time. Since most adoption plans are the result of unplanned pregnancies, it is true that some babies have early exposure to drugs or alcohol, often just until the mother realizes she is pregnant. This type of usage is often not significant and the babies are likely to be born healthy (this is my own conclusion, based on research, I am NOT a doctor). Of course, higher amounts of drug/alcohol exposure can occur, and adoptive parents can decide for themselves what level of exposure they are comfortable with. At our agency last year, 75% of birthmothers claimed no drug or alcohol usage; of those that did use drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, only 5% fell into the "moderate" to "severe" category (which are still rather undefined, relative terms). With open adoption, there's a good chance the birth mother will change her mind/take back the child. She can do it at any time. No way! Once the paperwork is signed, the adoption is final! Though you wouldn't know it from the media, there are relatively good adoption laws in the US that guide and protect those going through the adoption process. They do, unfortunately, vary from state to state, so it is important to do your research and find a professional who knows what he or she is doing. With open adoption, as with closed adoption, birth parents sign consents and/or have their parental rights terminated, after which they cannot change their minds and decide to parent. In our region, this usually happens 24-48 hours after the birth of the child. Nationwide, I have seen a statistic (sorry, can't document where it came from, though) that adoption "reversals" occur in something like .01% of the time, and this is likely due to poor legal advice, or people unfortunately choosing to break the law by ignoring birthfather rights or using coercion to influence a birthmother's decision. It costs a fortune/takes years to adopt a baby domestically. No, usually not! Well, the term "fortune" is a relative term. Yes, having a baby join the family by any means is going to cost a lot of money! Domestic adoption costs are usually equivalent to adopting internationally, which, I have been told (but have no first hand experience, obviously) is often the same as a C-section, without health insurance. This is still quite a bit of money, and a difficult obstacle to overcome for some families. That is the reality of using the services provided by professionals in the medical and legal fields in our country (it is not that babies are being "sold" by adoption agencies). The US government offers a tax credit for adoption costs, which helps adoptive families significantly. Of course, fees range all over the place, from very low to very high, depending on the agency and the extent and variety of services offered. It is wise to research well and weigh what adoption services are important to you (such as counseling, legal fees, mediation, etc). The time factor does vary from situation to situation. The average wait at our agency (once paperwork is filed) is about 9 months. However, many times it is much, much quicker! It is true that, unlike international adoption, with domestic open adoptions you rarely (if ever?) have a set time line, since once you are "in the pool" your wait depends on being chosen by a birth family. Personally, I know many folks who have been matched and have taken their baby home within months of being done with paperwork. For us, it is likely that our domestic adoption will occur much faster than if we had gone the international route. You will probably have to pay tons of money for birthmother expenses. Actually, stats from our agency show that 95% of birthmothers had health insurance and that half of all birthmothers do not have any extra expenses at all. We were also given an average figure for birthmother expenses, if they do occur, which was very reasonable. In my research, I have found it wise to look for an agency that helps birthmothers in need find the programs and public assistance they qualify for, and which does not match more than 3 months before the due date, so that expenses can be minimized. The birthparents will want frequent contact and will probably want more and more as time goes by. They will visit whenever they want. In our form of open adoption, all parties make up a contract which explicitly lays out the type and frequency of contact. Our agency's standard is a 3 visits a year, plus letters and photos. Many times, this minimum is surpassed quickly, as both families become friends and mutually decide on more frequent contact (this is what we are hoping for!) From what I've heard from others, it seems the adoptive parents tend to take a lead here, working to engage with the birth family to maintain contact, not the other way around. Birthmothers sometimes distance themselves in an effort to heal, or as their lives become busy as time goes by. As with any relationship, boundaries need to be worked out, so that all involved feel comfortable. If there are misunderstandings or issues that arise regarding contact, the agency will assist in mediation. I have read many stories online about birthmothers entering into an open adoption, only to have the adoptive parents totally change their tune and disregard the adoption contract once the adoption is final. In most states (if not all?), this is legal, as "adoption contracts" are not legally enforceable. I find this appalling -- what a heartless thing to do to another human being! If you do not want an open adoption, don't enter into one, there are other options! If a birthmothers relinquishment is legally binding, I think an adoptive parents consent to visits and contact should be as well (barring any unsafe behavior, or if it puts the child or family at risk or extreme distress). I suppose there are tricky extenuating circumstances that come into play here, of which I really don't know much about. Still. We are eagerly looking forward to contact with our child's birth family, and will do everything we can to maintain contact and honor our open adoption agreement. If your child knows her birthparents she will decide to go back to them if she is mad/when she is 18. The birthmother can undermine the adoptive parents authority; open adoption is co parenting. Open adoption is not co parenting; the adoptive parents are the legal and emotional parents and have all the rights and responsibilities that go along with it. The birthparents, having chosen the adoptive family and entered into the open adoption agreement, are there to support the adoptive parents of the child, and will do so if necessary. They made the very difficult decision to plan an adoption for thier baby, and will continue to want what is best for the child. Also, children know who their parents are; they know who has been there for them in the tough times as well as the good. In many open adoptions, birthparents are like another friend of the family, an aunt, uncle, or a cousin (though of course with a special bond, which I would imagine grows as the child gets older and understands the situation more fully). Birthparents are not a mystery or a fantasy, they are regular human beings with faults and weaknesses, as well as strengths.
