Intrepid Murmurings

Glad to finally see a discussion on this: Adoptive Breastfeeding!
Wow, just read a really thoughtful post over on the wide tent by mamamarta. She is giving her thoughts on adoptive breastfeeding, something I had discovered and was contemplating when we were in the midst of the adoption stuff. It is an issue that is quite controversial, as you can see by the discussion following this post by AfrIndie Mum (she also wrote a follow-up, here ). I do like the idea very much, and think the health and nutritive benefits of breastfeeding are really something to consider, with adopted as well as biological babies. But I do understand that the prep involved (which is not always or completely necessary, but is helpful) could add pressure to a pregnant woman considering placement and has the potential to be coersive. My opinion is that adoptive breastfeeding is something that should absolutely be openly discussed and agreed to before matching or placement, and that the first mother's wishes be respected on this. The idea of keeping this kind of thing from a first mother or not respecting her wishes on it is seems totally against the spirit of openness in adoption that I feel so strongly about. On the other hand, I wonder if, even with this openness, it is possible for a pregnant woman considering adoption to not feel some pressure to place, knowing that breastfeeding prep is going on? It would take a very dedicated and ethical agency and counselors, to minimize this, I would imagine...tricky stuff indeed.

Thinking back
Recently I was thinking about some of the things I've learned over our years of trying to conceive. Perhaps this train of thought came from yet another conversation I had with my health insurance company over a IVF consult bill I have to resubmit (from Sept '04!), and how funny it was to be chatting with the billing lady at our old clinic yet again (who I'm sure shuddered when she heard my voice on the other end of the line — we know each other well, I'm afraid). Part of me feels that time in my life was just yesterday; I am still shocked when I realize it is in fact receding. Some days, it feels like it was all years ago (some of it was, in fact). In any case, these are a few things I was thinking about, things I'm glad I did, things I wished I had done differently. Of course hindsight is always 20/20, or however the saying goes...

• First off, I am glad early on my general practitioner recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler. From that, I learned a whole lot of stuff I wished I had back in bio/health/sex ed classes earlier in my life. The things I learned about reading your body's signs and signals throughout your cycle, what exactly is happening at different phases in your cycle, and how to identify problems would have been incredibly valuable even when I was not trying to get pregnant. In fact, had I read the book earlier, I would have already known how screwy my system was and might have gotten on track a lot sooner.
• I wish I had not wasted so much time (close to a year) seeing a gynocologist my GP had recommended before moving on to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) at a good fertility clinic. I know the "standard" for trying before seeking treatment for fertility issues is 12 months (at least if you are youngish) but I think that's crap, especially if you clearly have some unidentified issues (like freakishly long cycles, or months of failure while timing and charting carefully).
• I wish, while under said gynocologist's care, I had not been put on Clomid for months on end without much monitoring (12 months total!), bumping up the dosage three times despite no evaluation of how my ovaries were responding. The Clomid eventually started giving me miserable side effects (not to mention the fact that it was costing an arm and a leg) and I eventually traded it in for herbs and acupuncture (which did exactly the same, for me, sans side effects). I think it would have been much better to only do 3 or so cycles of Clomid before combining them with IUI's, under the more monitored care of an RE.
• In fact, I kind of wish I had started with herbs and acupuncture to begin with, as soon as we started trying or even before, when I knew my cycles were wonky and might later be a problem. At the time I think I believed there were meds or procedures that could fix it all. I didn't know as much about the holistic view of health, and how the body's systems are so interdependent.
• Once we had done the 4 or so IUI's that were recommended by the RE, we moved on to IVF. I am glad we went to a big clinic with strong stats, even though it didn't work for us.
• In terms of IVF, I think we should have seriously considered the shared risk plans when we started (financing for 3 or so cycles at once, that covers everything and then returns some money back to you if the treatments do not work). At the time we were pretty sure it would work for us on the first try. Ha ha. Now I know that is usually not the case, and that it often takes a couple to many tries to have a successful outcome through IVF.
• I am really glad that I found some of the online communities dealing with infertility, including IVFConnections, and infertility blogs. Through those, I was able to read about and meet people who were dealing with (or had successfully moved on from) both similar, and very different things than I was. I learned a lot about the processes, the procedures and different options available, and because of that, I was never really surprised along the way; I knew what I was getting myself into. I was also able to put my struggles into perspective; my trials with getting pregnant are nowhere near what so many others have gone through.
• I am glad, too, that while I was in the midst of ttc and IVF I was concurrently learning more about adoption, through blogs and in real life (I happened to get to know quite a few adoptive families at the school I was teaching at then). For me, that knowledge made the concept of adoption much more comfortable, and made the decision to move forward with it rather early on (compared to some folks anyway) much easier.

So now, here we are, expecting in May. The thought of which still shocks me, some moments! Throughout it all (about 3 1/2 years) there were no diagnosis made, other than my irregular cycles, which seemed to respond fairly well to treatment. We stopped trying to conceive and were close to being "in the pool", expecting to be matched for domestic open adoption perhaps within a few months, when we found out I was pregnant. We put the adoption stuff on hold, but still plan to revisit that in a year or two. Part of me wants to tell everyone who asks about the pregnancy our whole story. Generally, I don't, because I still dread (and get) the "Ah ha! All you had to do was relax and stop trying (or adopt!)" comment, because that stereotype still drives me absolutely nuts. I truely believe, even now, that it was not that, though there is no way of saying what, in fact, it was. Ah, the mystery of it all, I guess...

No Way
I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. It appears to have some good reviews and is endorsed by a couple organizations I really do like. But a bit odd, don't you think? I wonder how many folks will actually go? Before infertility, I would just think it was wierd and would really not be very interested. In the midst of our issues, if I had actually been up for a night on the town to escape it all, would I really want to go see a show about injections and sperm samples? Ummmm, no. And even now, at a time when some might think we could look back and laugh at it all, thankful for what we have, do I feel like plunking down money for a ticket? Definitely not. But I do think its kinda funny that it is sponsored by a leading fertility drug company. Ha. So thats what they did with all our dough...

Don't drop the doll-baby!
About a week ago, we found ourselves attending a newborn care class at a local hospital. Us! Having been turned away from other classes because we were (gasp) adopting, we were nervous, excited, and feeling a little defiant (well, at least I was). We belong here too, dammit, and y'all better treat us like we do! That's what I was thinking, but I'm pretty sure I pulled off looking a little more composed. It was only 2 hours, not really long enough to go into much detail on stuff, but fun, in that rite-of-passage sort of way. It was the last session of an ongoing weekly class that included labor and delivery stuff, so we were the only non-preggo couple of the bunch. But, since a lot of people were there for a "make up" session, we at least weren't the only wierdos who didn't know everyone. It got off to a slow start. I was silent and nodded sympathetically during the discussion about swollen ankles, as I sat crosslegged in my sandals. There was a discussion of the instructor's use of childbirth techniques during the recent breaking of her arm (which Lonnie, of course, could relate to slightly). My concern started to rise when she began what seemed to be a continuation of last weeks breastfeeding lesson, and after ongoing references ONLY to breastfeeding when discussing feeding issues, I pointedly innocently asked her what brand of bottles she would recommend. From then on, she was much more accommodating! Geesh. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of breastfeeding, but some of those mothers are going to have to use a bottle from time to time, I am sure. Next was a long discussion of all sorts of baby procedures. I, unlike some of the other folks, apparently, knew enough about these things to ask questions and participate in the conversation. Perhaps because I have been obsessively researching and reading blogs for the last 3 years? Finally, it is coming in handy! Some of it just seems like common sense, like maybe trying to train your dog not to sleep with you in the bed BEFORE you bring the baby home and co sleep. Don't you think? She seemed unsure. Luckily, our pooch will have nothing to do with beds filled with humans...it cramps her style. And, because of our constant fighting for space turf wars sleeping concerns, our kid will be in one of these. Back to the class! Next, a new mother and father came in, babe in tow, and told their story. Again, a little heavy on the labor and delivery side of the story, but thats fine and important, I admit. And still relevant to us, since there is a chance we will be there for all that, anyway. From her story, though she never said it outright, I could tell this mother was a Fellow Infertile. The freaking out about the pregnancy, the never believing it was actually going to turn out well, her mention of obsessively researching, etc....all very familiar signs. During the break, she came right over to us and asked when our due date was. Ha ha! Though I admit to having somewhat of a pooch due to my poorish posture (and love of snacks), I really don't look pregnant when sitting. Really! She blamed it on mommy-brain, and said she had noticed I was connecting at certain parts of her story. Turns out she was a RESOLVE member (and leader!), though her infertility was male-factor with her first husband. I was right! After that was the funniest part of the evening, the baby-doll demonstrations. All the fathers immediately got into it, and were diapering, sponge-bathing, and dressing like champs (well, except for the one who put the diaper on backwards, snicker snicker). I was praised for my quick and efficient swaddling, woohoo! Somehow, I think it is easier when you can just adjust the arms to sit stiffly at the side... Anyway, after picking up scads of brochures, we left, reassured that we have at least a clue. Lonnie actually mentioned finding a class that goes into a little more detail, one that might teach us more about things like CPR, signs of illness and such, and we might. If they exist. I've also ordered a baby-care video from Netflix....I am thinking that will definitely be a popcorn and rum and Coke occasion. Yes?

Calling all parents...carseat assvice needed!
So, despite the lack of an adoption post recently (yes, there is one in the works, and no, no major developments yet) shopping has in fact commenced. Just for a few things! But I need some car seat help. I received some assvice recently (a shopkeeper from a very chic kids boutique, who immediately apologized for her assvice, yet seemed unable to help herself) that I should consider avoiding the infant-only carseats all together and just get a convertible. All I ever, ever see around is people carrying those godawful infant seats, the ones that can snap into strollers and such. And that people carry around while their baby sleeps everywhere, or sits in perfectly content. I hadn't considered not getting one, in fact, it seems everyone does. The shopkeeper said they hurt your back, and your baby grows out of it fast. And then (here's where I get all AP, a label I kinda dislike, as I don't think I fall into any "parenting style" yet, and I think they are rather divisive) there's the thought that I really don't want to lug my child around in a plastic thing off to my side everywhere I go. I have read things about how it is robbing children from the touch and closeness that is important for their development and well-being, and that makes a lot of sense. That and I think the infant seats are kinda ugly, as well as the strollers that go with them. But, I digress. The pro with the infant seats is that they may not wake up when you move from place to place. And that you have somewhere to put the kid, if you need/want to eat, or pee, or something, when you are out. That is appealing. The shopkeeper said that your child will learn not to wake up when you transfer. And that slings or regular strollers and carriers work too. That does seems reasonable. I do love the slings! I am plotting my purchases in that department as well! So. Anyone else think a convertible carseat may be the way to go? Am I insane to not get an infant seat/carrier? Is there something I've missed in my pros and cons? While we are at it, here are a few that I am considering. I like that last one the best.

Open Adoption: A Few Myths Debunked
Here are a few myths I've encountered about open adoption, things that I either read or see in the media or hear from folks in real life, that I've found just not to be true. I realize that many details vary from region to region, agency to agency, situation to situation. There are so many ways and types of adoption, and, of course, huge variances in what folks consider an "open adoption". Many of the stats I quote below are specific to our agency, they are not necessarily the norm -- just my experience. All the birthmothers are teenagers and/or drug users. No, not true. At my agency the average birthmother age is 24.5, the average birthfather age is 28. Sure, sometimes birthparents are very young, but that is not the norm. Sometimes they are single women or college students, or married or unmarried couples who already have children but know they cannot manage another at this time. Since most adoption plans are the result of unplanned pregnancies, it is true that some babies have early exposure to drugs or alcohol, often just until the mother realizes she is pregnant. This type of usage is often not significant and the babies are likely to be born healthy (this is my own conclusion, based on research, I am NOT a doctor). Of course, higher amounts of drug/alcohol exposure can occur, and adoptive parents can decide for themselves what level of exposure they are comfortable with. At our agency last year, 75% of birthmothers claimed no drug or alcohol usage; of those that did use drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, only 5% fell into the "moderate" to "severe" category (which are still rather undefined, relative terms). With open adoption, there's a good chance the birth mother will change her mind/take back the child. She can do it at any time. No way! Once the paperwork is signed, the adoption is final! Though you wouldn't know it from the media, there are relatively good adoption laws in the US that guide and protect those going through the adoption process. They do, unfortunately, vary from state to state, so it is important to do your research and find a professional who knows what he or she is doing. With open adoption, as with closed adoption, birth parents sign consents and/or have their parental rights terminated, after which they cannot change their minds and decide to parent. In our region, this usually happens 24-48 hours after the birth of the child. Nationwide, I have seen a statistic (sorry, can't document where it came from, though) that adoption "reversals" occur in something like .01% of the time, and this is likely due to poor legal advice, or people unfortunately choosing to break the law by ignoring birthfather rights or using coercion to influence a birthmother's decision. It costs a fortune/takes years to adopt a baby domestically. No, usually not! Well, the term "fortune" is a relative term. Yes, having a baby join the family by any means is going to cost a lot of money! Domestic adoption costs are usually equivalent to adopting internationally, which, I have been told (but have no first hand experience, obviously) is often the same as a C-section, without health insurance. This is still quite a bit of money, and a difficult obstacle to overcome for some families. That is the reality of using the services provided by professionals in the medical and legal fields in our country (it is not that babies are being "sold" by adoption agencies). The US government offers a tax credit for adoption costs, which helps adoptive families significantly. Of course, fees range all over the place, from very low to very high, depending on the agency and the extent and variety of services offered. It is wise to research well and weigh what adoption services are important to you (such as counseling, legal fees, mediation, etc). The time factor does vary from situation to situation. The average wait at our agency (once paperwork is filed) is about 9 months. However, many times it is much, much quicker! It is true that, unlike international adoption, with domestic open adoptions you rarely (if ever?) have a set time line, since once you are "in the pool" your wait depends on being chosen by a birth family. Personally, I know many folks who have been matched and have taken their baby home within months of being done with paperwork. For us, it is likely that our domestic adoption will occur much faster than if we had gone the international route. You will probably have to pay tons of money for birthmother expenses. Actually, stats from our agency show that 95% of birthmothers had health insurance and that half of all birthmothers do not have any extra expenses at all. We were also given an average figure for birthmother expenses, if they do occur, which was very reasonable. In my research, I have found it wise to look for an agency that helps birthmothers in need find the programs and public assistance they qualify for, and which does not match more than 3 months before the due date, so that expenses can be minimized. The birthparents will want frequent contact and will probably want more and more as time goes by. They will visit whenever they want. In our form of open adoption, all parties make up a contract which explicitly lays out the type and frequency of contact. Our agency's standard is a 3 visits a year, plus letters and photos. Many times, this minimum is surpassed quickly, as both families become friends and mutually decide on more frequent contact (this is what we are hoping for!) From what I've heard from others, it seems the adoptive parents tend to take a lead here, working to engage with the birth family to maintain contact, not the other way around. Birthmothers sometimes distance themselves in an effort to heal, or as their lives become busy as time goes by. As with any relationship, boundaries need to be worked out, so that all involved feel comfortable. If there are misunderstandings or issues that arise regarding contact, the agency will assist in mediation. I have read many stories online about birthmothers entering into an open adoption, only to have the adoptive parents totally change their tune and disregard the adoption contract once the adoption is final. In most states (if not all?), this is legal, as "adoption contracts" are not legally enforceable. I find this appalling -- what a heartless thing to do to another human being! If you do not want an open adoption, don't enter into one, there are other options! If a birthmothers relinquishment is legally binding, I think an adoptive parents consent to visits and contact should be as well (barring any unsafe behavior, or if it puts the child or family at risk or extreme distress). I suppose there are tricky extenuating circumstances that come into play here, of which I really don't know much about. Still. We are eagerly looking forward to contact with our child's birth family, and will do everything we can to maintain contact and honor our open adoption agreement. If your child knows her birthparents she will decide to go back to them if she is mad/when she is 18. The birthmother can undermine the adoptive parents authority; open adoption is co parenting. Open adoption is not co parenting; the adoptive parents are the legal and emotional parents and have all the rights and responsibilities that go along with it. The birthparents, having chosen the adoptive family and entered into the open adoption agreement, are there to support the adoptive parents of the child, and will do so if necessary. They made the very difficult decision to plan an adoption for thier baby, and will continue to want what is best for the child. Also, children know who their parents are; they know who has been there for them in the tough times as well as the good. In many open adoptions, birthparents are like another friend of the family, an aunt, uncle, or a cousin (though of course with a special bond, which I would imagine grows as the child gets older and understands the situation more fully). Birthparents are not a mystery or a fantasy, they are regular human beings with faults and weaknesses, as well as strengths.

A happy beginning
I wanted to link to Chez Miscarriage today, as Grrl, in the last day or two, has posted the long awaited story of her son's birth. You better read it quick, however, because she does not leave her archives up (due to plagerism in the past) so it will likely be replaced in the very near future. Will post more soon. Promise.

The One Where We Ponder the Reality of This Impending Adoption
While it may seem to the outside observer that our adoption stuff is moving along smoothly, to us it is more like little frenzied bursts of activity, then slow, long bits of waiting, then a lot to do, then nothing again, etc. Rinse and repeat. This week has been one of the busy times. Mostly due to our combined love affair with procrastination. In the past few days we've finished the first draft of our "dear birthparent" letter (note, we did NOT begin, "dear birthparent", we opened with "Hi". How's that for bucking the system?), finished the first draft of Lonnie's bio, cleaned the house, and had our first home visit. We had months to do those first two items, and weeks/days to do the third, but it took us until the days before they were due (well, the day of for the cleaning, of course) to get them done. This is very similar to how I worked in high school, college, and while teaching. Self motivation is not my strongest suit. It appears, at least for some things (that involve reading or writing, for instance), that neither is it for Lonnie. Anyway, the meeting went well, and we are on for another one this Friday. Then one more, individually, next week. We still have to put together some photographs, and revise the letter and our bios a bit. But there is light at the end of the paperwork tunnel. We can see it there, a golden glowing pinhead of light. We are also told things may happen very very quickly once we are out of the tunnel and "into the pool," as they say. Like, any time after September, quickly. On one hand, this thought is rather pleasing to us; its been a long 3 and a half years. I kind of enjoy the thought that I may be the equivalant of 7 or 8 months along, with no strech marks or swollen feet. I can still drink, and tonight I may play some kickball. But I cannot let myself think that, forgetting that out there somewhere is a birthmother, who is uncomfortable, probably in pain, and definitely stressed and emotionally drained right now. She is dealing with the hard reality of a pregnancy, not me. And after all that, she will not have the joy of taking that baby home. That is not fair, at all. I don't know her yet, but I am sad for her. I wish I could take that burden from her. In any case, we will have to get our asses in gear soon. Perhaps a few purchases will be made and stashed away, "just in case". It feels like the last few years all over again, as we try to plan our lives around fuzzy possibilities. At our agency last year, 30% of the placements were last minute placements. Which can be exciting, but also rather terrifying. You have to make decisions quickly, contact doctors if there are conditions to worry about and decide, sometimes within hours. In terms of open adoption, it is also closer to an arranged marriage than any other type of match — you really have no time to get to know the person you are committing to, for life. And then there's the whole, where the &*$# are we going to put the baby, etc, etc, etc (and no, despite that possibility, we do not intend to have a whole stocked nursery waiting). There are definitely bonuses to being matched a few months early; you can ease into the relationship slowly, build a friendship with the birth family ahead of time, make sure everything feels right to you and them. You have time to make plans. BUT, there are also negatives to pre-placement matching. I have learned from some birthmothers that it can feel coercive. That they start to feel like they can't change their mind, that they don't want to hurt your feelings, even though they are having second thoughts. That is not the kind of pressure we want to put on anyone. Absolutely not. For adoptive parents, too, those weeks and months of waiting are often fraught with worry and obsession; what if the match falls through? After all the bonding, planning, attachment that has already occurred? It is a lot to think about. And think about it we do, frequently, perhaps obsessively. During the inevitable slow times, its really all we can do. This week, happily, is not one of those times.

A great open adoption story ...
Just discovered a great story about open adoption over at Vindauga. Yes! I never get tired of reading stories like this. Here are Lisa V's posts about her experiences with open adoption; start from the bottom post and read up.

Thoughts About Race & Adoption (part I)
When some people hear we are in the adoption process, their faces light up, they look very excited, and immediately ask "oooohh....from where?". When we respond with some combination of "from here" "our adoption will be domestic" or "somewhere from Oregon or Washington", there is visible flash of disappointment in their face. Their expression falls; they seem crushed! Often, after that, they respond with "Oh..." and have nothing else to say. It's a little weird, and slightly uncomfortable. Both my husband and I have gotten this reaction, and more than once. When I get it, I usually blather on a bit about our agency and open adoption, etc, because I don't know how else to handle it. But inside I am wondering...what the heck did that mean?!? There are several ways that I've been able to interpret it (though I have not actually asked anyone, of course). First, I wonder if it is that international adoption seems more glamorous and exciting to a lot of folks. Exotic. The idea of going on a trip halfway around the world to pick up your child can be a fascinating and romantic idea. It also plays into the "saving a poor orphan" mentality that some people have; that it is somehow more noble, more saintly, to adopt a child from abroad and "save" it from a life of poverty and neglect, and to give the opportunities that we have here in the US. If they think this, the disappointment perhaps stems from the fact that they suddenly see us as less charitable, because we are choosing to find our child in our own city or state instead of abroad, where the need is greater. That, or they are just disappointed that our journey will be less exciting, because we will not need passports to bring our baby home. Another likely reason for this reaction is that many people seem to know more about international adoption; they have a friend or colleague who has adopted from China or Russia or Guatemala, and hope that we will be too so that they can share their stories and what they know about it (sometimes they do anyway, which is fine, and further supports my theory). This, I don't mind so much; we all like to talk about things we know. We like to find things we have in common with other people. It doesn't completely explain the weird initial reaction, but leaves me with less of a strange feeling about the whole thing. This is also why I like to go on and talk about our adoption experience with people that respond that way to our news. I am getting the feeling a lot of folks don't know much about current domestic adoptions. When they think of domestic adoption, I get the feeling they are thinking about closed adoption, about getting a baby that looks like you, and passing it off as a biological child. They think that domestic adoption involves paying outrageous sums and waiting for years and years to get a "desirable" baby. One person, after giving the initial response above asked me what race we wanted and when I replied (Caucasian) she responded "Oh, just like what everybody else wants...". Um. Okay. Not exactly. Perhaps that is how it used to be (I admit I'm a youngin' on the adoption scene), but it is not now. I have read somewhere (but don't quote me on this) that in the U.S. currently, international and domestic adoptions are about even in terms of numbers. In my own personal experience, I know far more folks who have chosen international. I have absolutely nothing against international adoption or building multiracial families through domestic or international adoption (stay tuned for more on this in a future post), and we may very well consider it at some point in the future. There are also other domestic options, like foster/adopt, an incredible way to build a family for some people. However, for a variety of reasons I will not go into now, those were not right for us currently. We are choosing domestic infant adoption, and a baby that shares our own race. I don't like being judged negatively for that, though on some occasions I feel that we are. So. For now, I am getting in the habit of talking to folks about the process we are going through, if they are at all interested, because I want them to know. That the fact is the costs for adoption services (note, we are not "buying a child") are about the same for both international and domestic. And that the wait is often very similar, as well. I talk about the application steps we are going though, what I have read and the research done about the benefits of open adoption, and how we hope our relationship with the birth family will be. And I hope that I am not annoying to people, when I talk about these things. But its all I can do, really, when I get such strange reactions from them, to a decision that is so personal, and that was made with so much thought and care.

just words

What's Happening Now?
Well, I realized I haven't updated for awhile so this is what is happening around here in terms of adoption:

• We had our first interview at the agency, and it went well! We met the counselor who will be working with us throughout this first half of the process, and she seemed great (of course!). So far everyone we've met at our agency has been wonderful. The interview was mostly a chance to meet face-to-face, to discuss our history and why we are choosing adoption, etc, and our feelings on open adoption. We passed (whew!) so now we have some next steps to take that include:
• Signing a contract and sending more money! Because of that, this week we have been:
• Wrangling with our bank to give us a loan! This has been slowed by the fact that Lonnie's credit has mysteriously disappeared from one of the leading credit agencies (better than having it hijacked, I suppose!), causing our bank to wonder about our trustiness. Luckily the other credit agencies had everything right, so now that the bank got those we've received word we have been approved. Hooray!
• Next, we will get to work on our "profile" which includes biographies, the "Dear Birthparent" letter, and a photo collage. Anyone out there have pictures of us doing something interesting?
• Soon, our counselor will be working on the homestudy, which includes more interviews and a couple visits to our house to make sure we don't live in a shack.
• In the meantime, I have been looking around for an infant care class so we know a bit about what we are doing once the Main Event happens. You see, we have absolutely no friends or relatives with babies, in which to try out our diapering, feeding, or baby annoying soothing theories on. Which is fine, plastic babies at the class will work wonderfully for a start...
• However, some places seem not to want us because we are adopting! The major university hospital/network that shall remain nameless (where we go for all medical care) tells us their class most definitely will not be appropriate even though the class description says it totally focuses on newborn care, not labor and delivery (every item on the online syllabus is something that is interesting to me and applies to us, for crying out loud!). They tell us we would be better suited to the adoptive care class Somewhere Else that focuses on older babies because "many" adoptive babies are not newborn, so that's not what we want (you mean a 6-month-old is going to be coming out of that birthmother at the hospital? Whew, glad they cleared that up for us...that could have been awkward!). We try to tell them ours really and truly will be a newborn but they ignore us and stop replying to our emails. Hmmm....I suppose we could sign up under fake names and I could stuff my shirt....
• Fear not, the Only Place In Town that actually offers an adoptive baby care class (usually for older infants) agrees with us that our baby may in fact be a newborn(!) and will let us take the regular newborn class they also offer. Yahoo! Now we won't break the baby! The next class isn't until September, but that should be fine...

So there you have it. We'll keep you posted.

"Getting Over" IVF
Recently an online friend of mine remarked how strong I was, to have switched gears from IVF and TTC to adoption so quickly. I thanked her, but it got me to thinking. It hasn't felt like a quick decision to me -- I like to think we have been moving towards it slowly for almost 3 years now. I don't feel that strong, really, and am by no means "over" my struggles to conceive. I still think about it all the time! When I read or hear about someone starting an IVF cycle, I still get that passing pang of jealousy. Sometimes I thank the stars it is not me, but other times I can still feel the excitement that comes from getting that big box o' meds in the mail, the counting of the syringes, the first shot of lupron. Whoo! The thrill of watching my lining grow and the follicles multiply on the ultrasound screen, the securing of a transfer time, the hypothetical due date... I have heard it many times before and agree; despite all the pain, physical, emotional, financial, IVF is very addictive! Some days, I miss it. Does that mean I am not ready to adopt, however? Hell no! When we first starting thinking about adoption seriously, we were still in the midst of the FETs. After the hellishness of IVF and all the drugs, monitoring, procedures, and the letdowns, we decided we would not do that again for a long long while. We would, however, at least see these frozen guys out before closing the ART chapter for now. Though it was a huge relief to have a plan, I wasn't feeling at all strong then. In a way it felt like the opposite; I know many folks who have done 3 or 6 or even 9 IVF cycles; some with failed pregnancies, ectopics and miscarriages thrown in as well. And they were still going! They had been through so much, they were strong -- I was choosing the easy way out. Since we had decided already what the plan was, the two FET cycles were easier than the first. Backup plans are good for the spirit. Though we still threw ourselves into the cycling process wholeheartedly, our adoption decision always there in the back of our minds. Well, not so far back there...we had done the research, picked an agency, and had already penciled in the adoption seminar dates before we got news of our last negative beta. I mailed the check to reserve our spot the next day. It was an easy decision. It felt right. A lot of people I know have a much harder time deciding when to "move on" or "give up" on IVF. I think for us it was easier because it was not giving up but getting closer. What we wanted was a kid (or three), and we wanted to be young-ish parents. If we chose to keep doing treatment, we felt like we were just moving further from our goal. Despite our eagerness, of course, there is a lot of grief to process. The loss of the "dream bio child" is hard. Very hard. And I know I am not completely past it yet. Unlike some, I was able to ease into the idea, because it was not a black or white decision for us. Since we have no diagnosis, we still could technically get pregnant (though with our track record, this is highly unlikely). When we starting talking about adoption, I still thought about pregnancy a lot. I told myself we could still do IVF again later. That there could be a "surprise" waiting further down the line. That the damn infernal "just adopt, then you'll get pregnant" line could in fact come true for us. That comforted me. I remember reading Karen's blog at some point back then, where she said something about not even wanting to get pregnant now, because it would screw up her adoption plans. I couldn't understand that then. After 6 months or so of grieving and making plans, now I get it. If I got pregnant now it would really fuck things up. Its just not what we want anymore. So am I strong, and have we switched gears quickly? I don't know...compared to some, maybe. Compared to others, definitely not! But am I excited about open adoption, and the future it holds for our family? Yes! Definitely yes.

Adoption Stories
I have stumbled upon two incredible adoption stories in the last week or so. The first is Cubbiegirl, who after going through a lot of rough times is adopting her 9 year old daughter through foster-adopt, and just met her for the first time last weekend! It is an amazing story, well worth a read through her backlogs. The other is a fabulously cute video of a family who adopted their daughter in China last month. It takes a minute or two to load, be patient! But watch it....its great!

Embryo Madness
There was an interesting article in the Seattle Times yesterday about the issue of embryo "adoption". The quotation marks are there because the language here is beginning to get tricky. For a many years the process of anonymously donating frozen embryos not needed after infertility treatment has been referred to as embryo donation. It happens rarely, but occasionally, in the ART (artificial reproductive technology) world. Embryo adoption seems to have been used by some to define another process where the biological "parents" of an embryo are matched with another couple, exchange information such as health histories and physical characteristics, and then "release" their rights to the embryo, a very similar process to that of adopting infants and children. But in these days of abortion/stem cell politics and controversy, some folks are attempting to blur the lines further and make it all embryo "adoption", therefore supporting the idea that these masses of cells should have all the rights of a human being. It has been in the news a lot, lately, in part because of the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2005, which was passed in the house but which President Bush vows to veto. Earlier this month he held a press conference with twenty-one "Snowflake Babies", encouraging "embryo adoption" as the alternative to donating frozen embryos for stem cell research and stating that "there is no such thing as a spare embryo". Yesterday's article in the Seattle Times told the story of the McClures, a couple from Bellevue with three older children and no plans for more, who heard about embryo "adoption" and felt the need to "save" a life through this process. Though they felt uncomfortable working with a fertility clinic that was in the business of creating "spare" embryos, they followed the advice of a fellow church member who said "if you want to free a slave, sometimes you have to deal with the slave owner." Alrighty then. Comparing 6 or 8 celled embryos or even 5-day-old blastocysts not implanted in a uterus, to a thinking, feeling, breathing person experiencing slavery is difficult for me, personally, to wrap my mind around, though I do acknowledge people have very strong feelings about all this. I was actually rather pleased to see the Times really did their research on this, though, and quoted many RE's (reproductive endocrinologists) in the area, including two of mine and the counselor from our clinic, about various aspects of the IVF process. They also made very clear, unlike a New York Times article a few weeks ago, the difference between transferring embryos into a womb, and the successful implantation of an embryo. The former is one part of the process, and is (relatively) easy and straightforward, the latter not so much (as I can personally vouch for). It may seem the solution to the excess embryo issue is to not make so many in the first place, but as the technology stands today, you usually do need a lot! In our case, of 34 eggs retrieved we had 15 viable embryos and three separate transfers, yet none of them actually hung around long enough to implant. It is such a painful, invasive and expensive process to actually retrieve the eggs needed to make an embryo, the thought of having to do that 34 times (and likely, more) is downright ridiculous. Hopefully, science will catch up soon with the technology for freezing eggs (as well as diagnosing/treating implantation issues), so that so many "extra" embryos won't be as needed in the future. But, we are not there yet. Some proponents of embryo "adoption" seem to think this is an easy, black and white decision, and for them, maybe it is. Statistics show, though, there are over 400,000 frozen embryos stored in US fertility clinics each year. President Bush has stated that "every embryo is unique and genetically complete, like every other human being", but what about the 60-80% or so of all naturally conceived embryos that do not implant and are flushed out of a woman's system, unnoticed? Do we now need to consider those to be human life, lost, and to work to save each of them, as well? I know most people who go through this have very personal reasons for what they choose, and I was thankful (and feel strongly that it was my right) to be given a choice in the matter. The options we had to consider before our IVF cycle (though we could always change our minds, later), were to destroy any extra embryos, donate them to research, or donate them to another person (this would all happen, of course, some time in the future if there were any left after we were done with all this family-building business). Destroying them felt silly and we ruled that out right away. The other two options were very difficult, but we decided on research in the end. We support stem cell research, because of its life-saving possibilities, and the thought of a child with our genes being raised in another family (of which we did not not know) just didn't feel right for us. It would make me even more uncomfortable if I knew our embryos might not in fact go to an infertile person/couple who desperately want it and welcome it as a precious gift, but to someone who is trying to "save" or "liberate" it from the evil people (us and the fertility clinic) who created it. I would love to hear what adoption specialists have to say about this, because from everything I have heard and read so far, it is so important to a child's well-being that his/her biological roots (and medical history) be known, acknowledged and valued, not degraded or dismissed by the adoptive family. And how important it is that the adopted child be truly wanted by the adoptive family for the unique individual that he/she is, not "saved" or "rescued" and therefore owing the adoptive family for the "sacrifice" or "good deed" they have done. I know this issue is a touchy one, almost more than any other, and one that will not be "solved" easily, or quickly, if at all. I only hope that whatever happens, people really do some research and think carefully before making decisions on all of this. Also, I hope that those who "adopt" or receive frozen embryos do it for the right reasons, and vow to do everything they can to help their children feel confident and proud of both their biological and adoptive identities, which may be difficult due to the current anonymous systems (now see, here's my open adoption bias coming through, but I'll save that for another blog post...).