Intrepid Murmurings

Still here!  We are movin' along, despite my lack of posting.  I am enjoying a very rare moment of silence (both babies asleep, Emma at daycare) so I will try to get this out quick before anyone wakes up!

 Elsie likes to jump jump jump

There are new pictures over in the gallery, go take a look!  As you can see, we've started the babies on solids, hooray!  They are getting mixed reviews, but all in all they seem to be taking to them better than Emma did.  Still figuring out the texture and swallowing thing, but they love to cram the spoon in their mouths and suck on them. So far we've tried avocado, homemade brown rice cereal, applesauce, and baby oatmeal.  They seem to like the applesauce the best!  Its really fun (and chaotic) to have the whole family eating dinner together at the table.

We also have some teeth on the horizon!  I can see and feel Elsie's two bottom front teeth, though they are not poking through yet.  That combined with the horrible cold and cough that she has is making her a wee bit needy these days...   

Sleep, um, no real updates to report here.  It seems to cycle from normal/bad to horrific every few weeks or so, and for a few days I just get so tired I can't bear the thought of another day, and then I get a little more sleep and things get better for a bit.   I've pretty much eased off the cry it out stuff, and because of it I think they are actually sleeping longer again.  At some point I am going to start holding off feeding them until a certain point in the night (say, 1am or so, which they sometimes actually sleep until on really good nights) but I'm not quite there yet.  I've been reading a really great book on sleep, Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinca, that has lots of good ideas and explanations for various sleep issues.  No magic bullet fixes for the wee ones, but I figured that going in.  They are still so young.

However, we have decided to hire some daytime help and I am in the process of sorting through mothers helper/nanny inquiries.  We are hoping to find someone who can come in 4 hours a day 3 times a week, to assist with babies/Emma/household work. I am SO EXCITED but also daunted by the task of interviewing and figureing out what is reasonable pay, etc.  

Ah, Elsie's up, gotta go! 

My never ending laundry 

Hey y'all.  So, I pretty much abandoned ship in terms of the sleep training.  While the current mode of operation is really not so great (babies sleeping on me all night, me as the human pacifier, a kabillion wakeups as one or another of us moves) the alternative -- hours and hours of screaming, less sleep than ever -- was not worth it.  Neither option is really sustainable, though!  I will probably have to start it up again soon, but for now I am living with the lesser of two evils until I catch up enough on sleep to try it again.

Basically, the issue is twofold:  1) The babies want to sleep with my nipple in their mouth and 2) I am unwilling to let them cry alone in a room in order to "break them" of this very strong (but also very natural) sleep association, at least when they are this young.  I was hoping some "crying with company" and other things would help, and maybe it would in the long run, but after a week with very little improvement I couldn't hack it.   With three kids under the age of three, I need more than three hours sleep!    

So we are back to them sleeping on me, and me as the human pacifier.  I get a few more hours of sleep this way, there is no crying, however, our sleep is disjointed and my arms sometimes go numb.   I know lots of people in this boat (I can say from experience it is WAY easier with one baby, though), and its one I seriously totally envisioned, very clearly, when I was told I was having twins.  I knew I would be here, and it would suck (ha, literally).   So its not like this whole sleep stuff was any big surprise.  

But, in the first few months when these things were a little less ingrained, I was not (and am still not) willing to sacrifice breastfeeding for it, or let them cry alone, so here we are!  Wheee!

To those of you worried about my sanity, never fear.  Yeah, it gets really really bad, fast, when I don't get sleep.  And that is going to happen again, when I restart the experiment, unless I hire a night nanny or something.  But on days when I do get at least a cumulative 5 hours sleep, or even when I don't but they are at least not screaming for hours on end, I feel pretty good about how we are all managing.  I feel like a rockstar for getting dinner on the table many nights, going grocery shopping, taking all three to the park, finding time to do projects with Emma, or even just getting to the dishes.... 

Its 1:50 am.  Both babies have been crying for more than an hour, again.  Nursed for an hour before that. They are in their own beds now because I cannot keep them from smooshing themselves up into pillows and rolling off the bed as they howl.  

I hate the crying.  I cannot handle the crying.  This is day 7 of not letting them sleep on me and day 7 of hours and hours of crying a night.  I don't know what else to do.  I believe in attachment parenting and the crying feels so wrong to me.   I feel like throwing up every time it happens, which is all night long.  I feel like throwing up all day long, because I am so exhausted.   I feel like I cannot win.  Tell me this will get better.  Its starting to feel like it won't for a long, long time. 

I really don't know what else to do here.  I am getting less sleep than I ever have, even when Emma or the babies were newborns. 

Last night I think I got 3.5 hours total.  I was in bed from 7:30pm-6:00am,  but awake with babies crying or feeding for all but those 3.5 hours.  It was mostly Elsie, too -- she just gets hysterical if she cannot nurse to sleep.  Its been 5 days on the new routine and she still cries for upwards of 2 hours at a shot.  Patting, singing, cuddling and breathing on her and shushing doesn't do a thing.  She does the same thing if I put her in the Amby in our room.  Eventually Delia wakes up to the noise, and I break down and feed them both, since its been two hours or more. They feed, sometimes I can get Elsie to sleep again and she'll sleep for 45 minutes, then wake and start over.  

Delia, on the other hand, is doing really well.  I think she only had 2 wakeups all night (maybe it was just one long one?).  Lonnie got her down with a bottle and cuddles, and she slept pretty long until she woke during one of Elsies scream fests and ate.  I think after that she cried for 30 min or so until I put her in the Amby, where she fell asleep after 3 minutes and is still sleeping (4 hours later).   

I guess I will try a few more days of this, but its really hard to continue without getting more sleep.  The only thing I can think of, in my sleep induced fog, is to hire night help.  I really didn't want to but I know a lot of twin parents do in the early days, especially.   Even if its just the early stretch, from 5:30-8 am or so, when Lonnie is gone and Emma is up, so I could sleep in, though all night would be awesome as well.   Maybe if they could learn to go to sleep with someone else, away from me and the milk, they would get to resettling better and sleeping longer?  I know a few postpartum doulas, so I guess I am going to see about it.  It costs a lot, but at this point I feel like it would be worth it, just to get some sleep.

If not, I think I might have to go back to having Elsie sleep on me again (ridiculous, I know!) because I honestly was getting a lot more sleep then, despite brief wakeups every hour or two. 

The babies are getting to be so much fun.  Tons of smiles, giggles and "talking".  Elsie found her voice in the past few days and can really get chatty sometimes!  Delia is a rolling rockstar and I constantly find her somewhere other than where I put her down (though she still can't quite figure out how to get back over to her back, so she usually just scoots after the initial roll). 

 

 

Emma is almost pottytrained!  She is pretty much dry all day, unless I forget to switch her into underwear after night/nap diaper (she actually asked us last night at dinner "am I wearing a diaper or underpants?" because she wanted to just go in her diaper if she had that on.  Silly kid!  .  She wore training pants to daycare on Thursday and used the potty there, too (her first out of our house potty usage).  YAY! 

And the babies are really starting to nap well in their Amby Hammocks! Yesterday Delia slept for an epic 4 hours, egads!  If they are asleep in arms, the easily transfer, just glancing up at me, then turning their heads and going back to sleep.  Unfortunately, it is hard to do this with two at once, which means fairly staggered naps, and it also usually means I am nursing or wearing them down in a carrier.  Since we are working on not doing that for nights, I am letting them cry it out during naps now, putting them in after they look sleepy or start to dose.  They are not impressed, but do eventually fall asleep.  See more about this below.

I am losing my mind with the nighttime sleep stuff.  Seriously.

I initiated a sleep routine based on a few books I've read (mainly the No Cry Sleep Solution, but going with her "desperation" section about letting them cry with company, not alone.).  I start bedtime for the babies around 7ish, ideally having them down by 8 or so.  Lots of nursing and feeding still, but once they start to drowse and fall asleep I take them off and don't let them suck to sleep.  I am doing it in our bed, which is what they are familiar with, and I stay there and pat/comfort/sing.  Last night Elsie cried for 2 HOURS, from 8:30-10:30ish.  Delia went to sleep without a fuss and slept through her sisters cries for 2 hours, then woke.  I fed them both (I had already fed Elsie but she ate again) and then they both cried for 2 MORE HOURS.  Around 12:30, more than 5 hours since I started the bedtime routine, they fell asleep. The rest of the night they woke 2-4 times and I nursed/let them sleep on me as usual because I just HAD to get some sleep.  I cannot function during the day on less than 4 hours sleep, and with non-coordinated nappers usually can't nap during the day.  Emma was jumping on my head as usual at 5:30AM.  Whee!

This was actually night 2, the first night was actually more reasonable -- both crying to sleep in about 20 min with me there patting and singing.

I am doing a little more stringent CIO for naps, because they tend to go down so much easier during the day (as noted in the good section, above!).  Basically I put them in their own beds when sleepy and check and console every 3-5 min, sometimes longer.  Takes anywhere from 5 min to 45 min of crying for them to be out.  I HATE the crying but I really feel there is no other way right now.

I am going to reassess after a week or so and decide if I need to move them out of the bed at night completely.  I LOVE cosleeping for so many reasons (ease of nightfeedings, and closeness/bonding being biggies), but only if they do actually sleep.  Which I know is possible --  I know tons of successful cosleeping families.  I hate the idea of getting up and fully awake for 1-3 feedings a night (and I do not feel like they are ready to cut those out yet, being so wee still).  But.  That would definitely be better than what we have currently.... 

Emma is crying too, because she is in time out for the SECOND time today for waking/attempting to wake the babies.  I shut the doors to their room and she bangs of them!  This morning she jumped onto the bed and started mauling them to try to wake them up.  OMG. This is a total non-negotiable for me, up there with playing with the oven and biting.  Seriously.  I put up with your challenging sleep issues, kid, don't mess with my efforts with your sisters.  

P.S. This was written yesterday, Friday, and indeed last night was much better.  Still some crying, still some sleeping on me later in the wee hours, but  lot less crying and more sleeping for us all. Whew. 

 I am typing this on my new MAC laptop, woohoo!  While also wearing two babies in carriers on front and back, while bouncing on the ball to get them to sleep.  Got to go put them down soon to give my shoulders a rest!

Well, after my last post I finally got a few hours of solid sleep and that helped my outlook some.  Ha!  We still really need to get cracking on some changes, though.   

Unfortunately, in the past few days both babies have caught a gross cold from Emma, and are snuffly, snotty, coughing little girls. Yuck.  I wanted to start doing some sleep stuff last night but its hard when they are so uncomfortable and having trouble breathing as it is (I'm getting it a little bit, too).  I pulled out TNCSS again and am definitely working on getting them to start falling asleep without sucking (basically you detach them over and over again right before they fall asleep until they just accept it and fall asleep without it).  It actually works faster and with less fuss than I'd expect, but at 3am with two babies its really hard to keep at it.  REALLY HARD.  After awhile, all plans get called off because I just have to get some sleep or I will be unable to function.  But, I have hopes that it will slowly work if I just keep at it whenever I can.  

I am also looking into getting a chair to nurse the babies in upstairs, as I currently have no option other than the bed, which is really difficult to get them both off of by myself without waking them.  We have a regular glider that just does not accommodate the twin nursing pillow plus the three of us anymore.  I am looking into something like this, and have a bunch of unused credit card points that I can use to get it. Should I go for it?  I think it will be used for a long time after nursing is over for reading bedtime stories and such, or as a comfortable living room or family room chair.  

This morning I got up and left the house at 7:30 (!) to go to the twins club sale with Delia.  We are members, so for a half hour before it opens to the public we can get in and snap up all the good deals.  So fun!  I got a playgym mat that I've really been wanting, two different styles of baby bath seats that should be AWESOME to help facilitate baby & Emma combo baths,  some fancy cloth diapers at great prices, and some misc. clothes that we were needing.   I love getting good deals on baby gear! 

Okay, more very soon.  I have a 4 month update about the babies that deserves its own post.  

Oh lord, I am feeling really run down.

Nighttime sleep with the babies has reached critical stages.  Something must be done, and I am dreading it.  Basically, at 4 months old they still won't sleep at night unless on me, boob in mouth (daytime is another story, oddly).  For awhile things were getting better in this regard but now its worse than its ever been.  They won't go down at night unless I am there, nursing them.  If I set them down, the cry. If Lonnie holds them or tries to get them to sleep, they cry.  If we are able to transfer them to the Amby, they sleep for 20-30 min and then cry.

The general schedule is that they sleep & doze on me from 8-10, while I read or do internet stuff, then on a good day they sleep on me from 10-12, nurse, sleep from 12:45-2, and then are dosing and nursing from 2-5, when Emma wakes us all up and we are up for the day.  On bad days, it is pretty much wakeups every hour all night long, with them mostly awake from 2-5.  Lonnie usually leaves around 5:50 for work.   I think I am getting about 5 hours of extremely interrupted sleep and am so exhausted I can barely see straight.   Man, I could kill for those newborn months when they were actually sleeping for 3-4 hour stretches. 

During the day, naps are erratic, but when they happen, they are generally good.  Then, too, they HAVE to nurse to sleep (or be in a carrier/the car), but they transfer like a dream and sleep 2-3 hours at a time.  Some days they definitely sleep more during the day than at night.  Of course, it is rarely at the same time, so I don't get a chance to nap at all.  

I have been trying to break the nurse to sleep habit by tanking them up with bottles, singing, bouncing, rocking, holding, cramming pacifiers in their mouths (no luck), setting them in their beds sleepy but awake (ha!), but after 3-4 hours of fussing/whining/screaming babies I just give in.  2 minutes later they are out.

I do intend to do some sleep training this weekend (I have to wait until Fri so Lonnie doesn't need to go to work the next day without sleep) and basically I am going let them still cosleep in our bed but just lie next to me, not nurse.  They are going to scream their heads off, and I hate that.  Still, I just don't feel comfortable letting them scream in their own beds/room alone, and I do LIKE cosleeping in general (because it is much easier to do night feedings).   

I am fairly certain that while some of these issues are temperament/personality based (seriously, all three of these girls have a freakin' strong opinions about things!) some is also due to my low milk supply, and the early need to keep them nursing as much and as frequently as possible.  It was pretty much the same with Emma, and I know several other low supply mamas in the same boat.  I wouldn't trade not nursing for good sleep, though, and wouldn't change a thing even in hindsight (other than maybe pushing the pacifiers more).  

On top of all this Emma is sick with a really bad cold and couldn't go to daycare today.  Boo!  I count on those two mornings a week to work on sleep with the babies and get stuff done around the house but today it was just a madhouse all morning.  I finally but Emma to bed at noon, an hour early, because I couldn't handle it any more.   2/3 are currently sleeping, and I think I will try now to grab some lunch and then take Delia to bed and get her to sleep a little with me so I can nap.  There are a million things I'd rather do but I really need it!

5 things I NEED to get done today this week soon:

1. Address/stuff/mail thank you notes/baby announcements (better late than never???)
   
2. Fold and put away mountains of laundry
3. Sort through and put away 0-3 month clothes, pull out 3-6.  Yay!
4. Bake some muffins.  Sneak in fruits/veggies for Emma.
5. Vacuum the tufts of dog hair off the floor
   

5 things I AM doing while ALL 3 kids are sleeping:

1. Check my blogs/forums/facebook
2. WRITE A BLOG POST!
3. Eat more Rice Krispie Treats
4. Shower?
5. Start folding clothes right as somebody wakes up....

New photos uploaded into the August and September folders....

• Starting off the week on a sleepy note -- the babies woke me literally EVERY HOUR last night, and I eventually had to get up and give Delia a bottle around 4.  Not sure if she was just hungry, uncomfortable, or not that sleepy.   Emma woke up around 6 :15 so we were all up for the day then.
  

• So far I have been able to avoid bottles at night, which has been nice.  But now it seems there's a 50/50 chance somebody will need one.  I hate dealing with the bottle in the night, though its better if I have it all ready beside the bed if so.

• The feeding thing seems to alternate between crappy days and not-so-bad ones.  Some days it seems like one or both girls just refuse to nurse and want bottles all day long.  Others, like yesterday, I can get them to breastfeed a fair bit, and it feels like a success. 

• My current goal is to try to make it another month or month and a half, and then see if we can get solids going.  My lactation Dr. suggested starting solids early to help get calories and nutrients into them in a form other than the bottle, to alleviate the bottle preference thing and keep them breastfeeding some (we'd still supplement with formula too, just not as much)  She suggested pureed meats and avocado as good first foods, which I have heard elsewhere (La Leche League) too.  Meats are high in the fats and iron that the babies need, as is avocado.  Emma never took to baby cereals anyway so I think we will try it.  But I don't think I will start any sooner than 5 months -- even though the Dr. was suggesting it.  Its just so against all the recommendations these days, and I'm still a little obsessive about gut maturity an allergy prevention!

• Ugh, just got back from a sucky daycare drop off.  All three kids crying, wheee!  I had to drag Emma in while Elsie wailed on my front and Delia hollered outside in the stroller.  Emma had stopped crying and was kind of hiding in the kitchen with one of the teachers when I left -- pretty sure she was fine as soon as I was gone and she had some waffles....
  

Oh man, I am really tired of spit up.  We are drowning in spit up and it is both gross and inconvenient.   For awhile it seemed like it was going down a little (ha, pun intended), but its up again due to the increased bottle feedings, I'd guess.  I'm pretty sure they spit up half a feeding sometimes (an ounce or two), and its a rare, rare event to have a feeding, on breast or bottle, without a soaking afterwards.  I am trying to use bibs on them as much as I can, but they each go through 3-6 outfits a day (while still always feeling damp), as do I.  They even drench my pants several times a day, and I am constantly mopping it up off the floor!  We have 4-5 dozen prefold diapers for burp cloths and we run out, even with 2-3 laundry loads a DAY!  And my slings are having to be washed daily, or at least biweekly, which I did hardly ever with Emma.   Come on. mature guts!  We are waiting for you!   

In other news, Emma is potty training!  Well, trying to, desperately, but so far not much success.  She is wearing underwear about half the time, and she tries by sitting on her potties and " the big toilet" off and on all day, but there is definitely some performance anxiety.  She just can't figure it out!  Which means, inevitably, 10 minutes after a marathon potty sit she pees or poops in her underwear.   She luckily doesn't seem too upset by that, and I feel like she is much more aware of what's happening when she is in them, so we keep trying.  I really hope it clicks for her soon, because its exhausting to juggle the babies and her need for assistance in the bathroom (the moment seems to often hit when I have two hungry/fussy babies, of course).  I know she is going to be SO excited when she finally gets it -- as will I!   

Hey, all 3 kids asleep right now!  The stars align!  I should be doing a thousand other things (like the 6 loads of laundry sitting here to fold. 6!) but alas.

Sleep is going better.  We acquired another Amby Hammock so now both babies can go in one at the same time.  They will occasionally wake a bit when I transfer them and immediately go back to sleep.  Heaven.

It is insane how the sleep thing rules my day though.  Good sleep = good day, Bad sleep = me desperate and feeling like a failure.  With three kids it really is essential but hard to get the sleep thing down, though.

Apologizing for any misspellings here (ha -- I just misspelled misspellings!).  Can't seem to find a spellcheck with my current version of this blog software.  And man do I need spellcheck.  Luckily Mozilla helps me some. 

Breastfeeding -- we are doing pretty well on this new supplementing regime.  Basically they are getting more formula, more often, but still nursing a fair bit.  A lot, actually.  Just not all the time.  Phew. I think they are getting about 50% breast milk at this point (which, if I only had one baby would be enough!). I kinda want to wean off the meds I am on (Domperidone and Metformin, the Dom being the one to kick first, for sure), but am scared.  I've been half-assed with the herbs but my awesome lactation Dr. seemed to think that the meds far outgunned the herbs anyway, and that herbs have their own (somewhat unknown) risks as well.  Hurrumph.  What to do.   Herbs FEEL healthier than pharmaceuticals but I know thats not necessarily true.  At all. 

Things I have done in the past 5 days that has made me feel productive:  went to Costco (with Emma, not the babies, thank goodness)!  Finished writing up E & D's birth story!  Waded through my huge pile of paperwork, paid bills, and filed all papers.  All of them!!!! Did thousands of loads of laundry (see above) including cloth dipes twice!  Went to Target with the babies (still overwhelming to take them both out, but I gotta keep doing it).  Cleaned up a million little people, wooden bananas, books and plastic cups -- oh wait, that happens everyday, and doesn't necessarily make me feel productive at all, though it must be done to keep us sane.....

Its 3pm, and none of my 3 (!) children have napped yet today.  WTF?  Well, Delia slept in the carseat at the park for about 20 min but other than that....nada.  It is just impossible to coddle 3 kids to sleep every day so here we are.  

Luckily, I think Emma may be asleep or close to it upstairs with a book on tape.  But Elsie and Delia are screaming their heads off in the glider and swing and I refuse to do any more bouncing/nursing/walking with them.  Enough!  If they are still crying in 30 min I suppose I will try again.  

But aren't 3 month olds supposed to sleep every 2 hours or something like that?  They used to sleep the day away (when I let them sleep on me, that is).  I know they are full, too, because they both just downed 4 oz bottles....

• Whoops, missed a day, sorry folks.   Nothing much to report here.  Lots of crying, screaming, tantrums this AM.  Very little napping, boo! But then Lonnie came home early, and he and Emma had a nice long nap while the babies slept on me for much of it -  not ideal but at least peaceful.

• If you happen to be off chocolate due to a nursing baby's unfortunate intolerance (boo!), these are actually quite nice if you want a crunchy, cream filled sandwich cookie.  Who would have guessed?  For frozen goodness, these delights, in the non-chocolate flavors (chocolate is fab if you can, too) are great. And they are both dairy free!

• Speaking of which, it was Lonnie's birthday yesterday.  31derful years, ha.  It was low key and not much hoopla involved, but he seemed okay with that.  We celebrated with vegan pie AND cake, thanks to our local co-op.

• I am not one for slogans or dressing the kids up in matchy matchy outfits most of the time, but this paired with these, kinda cracks me up...