Intrepid Murmurings

Right now listening to Elsie and Delia complain in stereo over two different monitors.  They both went down for a PM nap in their room/cribs, but woke after 30 min.  WTF.  I am so tired of this.  I moved Elsie to our room and am leaving them to hopefully fuss or cry back to sleep.  Yesterday I did the same, and it actually worked!  So there's hope.

Back again after C & C (check and console), Delia asleep after about 5 min, Elsie is quieting down but still awake.  After 3 or so weeks of horribly short naps, the past few days have been a bit better, and for the first time ever they are actually going BACK TO SLEEP after waking from that first sleep cycle.  Progress.  Also last night, both babies slept from 8:30-1:30 in their cribs, nursed/bottled/nursed from 1:30-2:30, and slept from 2:30-6:30 in the cribs again!  I am totally fine with one feeding overnight at this point --I need it for my milk supply anyway. I know its not going to be like that every night, but the fact that there are nights like that occasionally gives me hope!  We really have come pretty far, in the grand scheme of things. 

Today I've been watching Drama unfold across the street as our neighbors are being evicted.  It started this morning with a locksmith and some lawyer-y looking folks standing around for a long time in front of the gate, with someone coming out to talk and then holing themselves back up in the house, until the gate and front door locks were busted open (at this point, 3 cops joined the party). Throughout the day, lots of coming and going of neighbors and their friends, and hauling out of stuff.  They are CRAZY and terribly sketchy, so we are not sad to see them (or their fence jumping pitbull) go, but I feel bad for them nonetheless.  They were always nice to us, in any case.  But also enjoying watching the Drama....

Well, success I think with the nappers, although now Emma's up!  Ah, well, 2/3 isn't too bad...

• finish updating address book, meshing emails and postal addresses, finding current addresses for lots of folks (huge task, but strangely satisfying)
• print labels and mail out holiday letters (plus baby announcements, 7 months late!)
• pick up fancy dog food for allergic dog
• go to food co-op for baby food fixin's: quinoa? amaranth?  wheat free finger foods? 
• file huge stack of paperwork
• order battery online for baby monitor
• order stamps
• order wood for fireplace
• bake something delicious just for fun
• finally email folks about neighborhood twins playgroup
• start baby books?  ha.  highly unlikely
• upload photos to online gallery
• upload videos to computer, and post online
• take in massive quilt for laundering
• find toy storage unit and bookshelves (on craiglist?)
• laundry. as usual.  

Happy birthday to me!  Today was a pretty mellow day, ending with a yummy dinner of peanut sauce noodles with prawns and tofu, and cake -- a box mix doctored by me with extra goodies (pudding, eggs and chocolate frosting) that turned out quite fantastically, I must admit.  

Lonnie's present to me was finally figuring out how to download and view our videos from our video recorder!  Wahoo!  We didn't have it for Emma's babyhood and have been really bad about using it often, but there are a few gems that I am so glad we have, and I hope to take a lot more from now on.  

Last night he showed me this one, which immediately made me cry.  Its Emma from about a year ago (so about a year and a half old), playing on the stairs at our old place.  She still, to this day, throws a few members of her stuffed animal "posse" down the stairs every morning and after nap.  The way I know she is up is the thud thud thud of an animal (or five) on the steps. 

Well, I tried the same thing for afternoon nap and while Delia went down like a champ, Elsie has now been screaming for an hour now with now slowdown (just like yesterday).  She stopped crying when I went in and patted her, but didn't fall asleep and cried again when I left after a few minutes.   I can't believe Delia can sleep through the racket, and Emma too, in the next room.  I am pretty scared she will wake up early if I do not intervene at some point.  

What I hate about CIO (cry it out) is that everyone seems to think it is the holy grail of sleep fixes, and that the first day will be the worst, but in the days following it will get better and better, and by day 3 or 5 or whatever you will be down to no crying and perfect sleep.  That is so not my experience.  When I do it, my kids, especially Elsie, just cry for an hour or more (sometimes less, but then long again on subsequent days), day after day after day, until I break down.  I just don't see any progress when I let her CIO.  Several hours of crying for a 40 min nap every day with no progress over time seems insane.  Why am I doing this?

Back now after going to pat Elsie to sleep.  She fell asleep pretty quick if I stood there patting this time.  Whew. Despite the crying with Elsie, in general things are going better.  Its baby steps forward, so its easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff and not notice the progress we've made.  They no longer sleep on me all through the night!  They can (sometimes) fall asleep without nursing -- by either being held/rocked/patted by Lonnie or me.  They can sleep next to us in our bed, or in their Ambys pretty well, and now (Delia in particular) their cribs!  If I watch them (or the clock) like a hawk so that they don't get overtired, they fall asleep within 10-15 minutes.  They can be transferred sometimes without a fuss, even if they wake and know whats going on.  Emma was never like that -- transfers were always out of the question!   

Night is a different story, though.  I still (often!) resort to letting them cosleep/nurse to sleep because I need sleep too!  The nightwaking is still pretty insane -- every 2 hours generally, sometimes more like every hour, and sometimes they are up for an hour or two several times in the night as well.  LAME.   

But, progress on the nap front.  Elsie, we gotta figure this out for your sanity and mine....

I just put the babies down IN THEIR CRIBS in the SAME ROOM and they fell asleep without crying!  WHAT?!?!?

They had fallen asleep and woken twice while breastfeeding and having a top-off bottle, but both were wide awake and talking when I left them. I am not counting on this to continue but if it does it will revolutionize my world.

Gotta go be productive now...

Still here!  We are movin' along, despite my lack of posting.  I am enjoying a very rare moment of silence (both babies asleep, Emma at daycare) so I will try to get this out quick before anyone wakes up!

 Elsie likes to jump jump jump

There are new pictures over in the gallery, go take a look!  As you can see, we've started the babies on solids, hooray!  They are getting mixed reviews, but all in all they seem to be taking to them better than Emma did.  Still figuring out the texture and swallowing thing, but they love to cram the spoon in their mouths and suck on them. So far we've tried avocado, homemade brown rice cereal, applesauce, and baby oatmeal.  They seem to like the applesauce the best!  Its really fun (and chaotic) to have the whole family eating dinner together at the table.

We also have some teeth on the horizon!  I can see and feel Elsie's two bottom front teeth, though they are not poking through yet.  That combined with the horrible cold and cough that she has is making her a wee bit needy these days...   

Sleep, um, no real updates to report here.  It seems to cycle from normal/bad to horrific every few weeks or so, and for a few days I just get so tired I can't bear the thought of another day, and then I get a little more sleep and things get better for a bit.   I've pretty much eased off the cry it out stuff, and because of it I think they are actually sleeping longer again.  At some point I am going to start holding off feeding them until a certain point in the night (say, 1am or so, which they sometimes actually sleep until on really good nights) but I'm not quite there yet.  I've been reading a really great book on sleep, Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinca, that has lots of good ideas and explanations for various sleep issues.  No magic bullet fixes for the wee ones, but I figured that going in.  They are still so young.

However, we have decided to hire some daytime help and I am in the process of sorting through mothers helper/nanny inquiries.  We are hoping to find someone who can come in 4 hours a day 3 times a week, to assist with babies/Emma/household work. I am SO EXCITED but also daunted by the task of interviewing and figureing out what is reasonable pay, etc.  

Ah, Elsie's up, gotta go! 

My never ending laundry 

Hey y'all.  So, I pretty much abandoned ship in terms of the sleep training.  While the current mode of operation is really not so great (babies sleeping on me all night, me as the human pacifier, a kabillion wakeups as one or another of us moves) the alternative -- hours and hours of screaming, less sleep than ever -- was not worth it.  Neither option is really sustainable, though!  I will probably have to start it up again soon, but for now I am living with the lesser of two evils until I catch up enough on sleep to try it again.

Basically, the issue is twofold:  1) The babies want to sleep with my nipple in their mouth and 2) I am unwilling to let them cry alone in a room in order to "break them" of this very strong (but also very natural) sleep association, at least when they are this young.  I was hoping some "crying with company" and other things would help, and maybe it would in the long run, but after a week with very little improvement I couldn't hack it.   With three kids under the age of three, I need more than three hours sleep!    

So we are back to them sleeping on me, and me as the human pacifier.  I get a few more hours of sleep this way, there is no crying, however, our sleep is disjointed and my arms sometimes go numb.   I know lots of people in this boat (I can say from experience it is WAY easier with one baby, though), and its one I seriously totally envisioned, very clearly, when I was told I was having twins.  I knew I would be here, and it would suck (ha, literally).   So its not like this whole sleep stuff was any big surprise.  

But, in the first few months when these things were a little less ingrained, I was not (and am still not) willing to sacrifice breastfeeding for it, or let them cry alone, so here we are!  Wheee!

To those of you worried about my sanity, never fear.  Yeah, it gets really really bad, fast, when I don't get sleep.  And that is going to happen again, when I restart the experiment, unless I hire a night nanny or something.  But on days when I do get at least a cumulative 5 hours sleep, or even when I don't but they are at least not screaming for hours on end, I feel pretty good about how we are all managing.  I feel like a rockstar for getting dinner on the table many nights, going grocery shopping, taking all three to the park, finding time to do projects with Emma, or even just getting to the dishes.... 

Its 1:50 am.  Both babies have been crying for more than an hour, again.  Nursed for an hour before that. They are in their own beds now because I cannot keep them from smooshing themselves up into pillows and rolling off the bed as they howl.  

I hate the crying.  I cannot handle the crying.  This is day 7 of not letting them sleep on me and day 7 of hours and hours of crying a night.  I don't know what else to do.  I believe in attachment parenting and the crying feels so wrong to me.   I feel like throwing up every time it happens, which is all night long.  I feel like throwing up all day long, because I am so exhausted.   I feel like I cannot win.  Tell me this will get better.  Its starting to feel like it won't for a long, long time. 

I really don't know what else to do here.  I am getting less sleep than I ever have, even when Emma or the babies were newborns. 

Last night I think I got 3.5 hours total.  I was in bed from 7:30pm-6:00am,  but awake with babies crying or feeding for all but those 3.5 hours.  It was mostly Elsie, too -- she just gets hysterical if she cannot nurse to sleep.  Its been 5 days on the new routine and she still cries for upwards of 2 hours at a shot.  Patting, singing, cuddling and breathing on her and shushing doesn't do a thing.  She does the same thing if I put her in the Amby in our room.  Eventually Delia wakes up to the noise, and I break down and feed them both, since its been two hours or more. They feed, sometimes I can get Elsie to sleep again and she'll sleep for 45 minutes, then wake and start over.  

Delia, on the other hand, is doing really well.  I think she only had 2 wakeups all night (maybe it was just one long one?).  Lonnie got her down with a bottle and cuddles, and she slept pretty long until she woke during one of Elsies scream fests and ate.  I think after that she cried for 30 min or so until I put her in the Amby, where she fell asleep after 3 minutes and is still sleeping (4 hours later).   

I guess I will try a few more days of this, but its really hard to continue without getting more sleep.  The only thing I can think of, in my sleep induced fog, is to hire night help.  I really didn't want to but I know a lot of twin parents do in the early days, especially.   Even if its just the early stretch, from 5:30-8 am or so, when Lonnie is gone and Emma is up, so I could sleep in, though all night would be awesome as well.   Maybe if they could learn to go to sleep with someone else, away from me and the milk, they would get to resettling better and sleeping longer?  I know a few postpartum doulas, so I guess I am going to see about it.  It costs a lot, but at this point I feel like it would be worth it, just to get some sleep.

If not, I think I might have to go back to having Elsie sleep on me again (ridiculous, I know!) because I honestly was getting a lot more sleep then, despite brief wakeups every hour or two. 

The babies are getting to be so much fun.  Tons of smiles, giggles and "talking".  Elsie found her voice in the past few days and can really get chatty sometimes!  Delia is a rolling rockstar and I constantly find her somewhere other than where I put her down (though she still can't quite figure out how to get back over to her back, so she usually just scoots after the initial roll). 

 

 

Emma is almost pottytrained!  She is pretty much dry all day, unless I forget to switch her into underwear after night/nap diaper (she actually asked us last night at dinner "am I wearing a diaper or underpants?" because she wanted to just go in her diaper if she had that on.  Silly kid!  .  She wore training pants to daycare on Thursday and used the potty there, too (her first out of our house potty usage).  YAY! 

And the babies are really starting to nap well in their Amby Hammocks! Yesterday Delia slept for an epic 4 hours, egads!  If they are asleep in arms, the easily transfer, just glancing up at me, then turning their heads and going back to sleep.  Unfortunately, it is hard to do this with two at once, which means fairly staggered naps, and it also usually means I am nursing or wearing them down in a carrier.  Since we are working on not doing that for nights, I am letting them cry it out during naps now, putting them in after they look sleepy or start to dose.  They are not impressed, but do eventually fall asleep.  See more about this below.

I am losing my mind with the nighttime sleep stuff.  Seriously.

I initiated a sleep routine based on a few books I've read (mainly the No Cry Sleep Solution, but going with her "desperation" section about letting them cry with company, not alone.).  I start bedtime for the babies around 7ish, ideally having them down by 8 or so.  Lots of nursing and feeding still, but once they start to drowse and fall asleep I take them off and don't let them suck to sleep.  I am doing it in our bed, which is what they are familiar with, and I stay there and pat/comfort/sing.  Last night Elsie cried for 2 HOURS, from 8:30-10:30ish.  Delia went to sleep without a fuss and slept through her sisters cries for 2 hours, then woke.  I fed them both (I had already fed Elsie but she ate again) and then they both cried for 2 MORE HOURS.  Around 12:30, more than 5 hours since I started the bedtime routine, they fell asleep. The rest of the night they woke 2-4 times and I nursed/let them sleep on me as usual because I just HAD to get some sleep.  I cannot function during the day on less than 4 hours sleep, and with non-coordinated nappers usually can't nap during the day.  Emma was jumping on my head as usual at 5:30AM.  Whee!

This was actually night 2, the first night was actually more reasonable -- both crying to sleep in about 20 min with me there patting and singing.

I am doing a little more stringent CIO for naps, because they tend to go down so much easier during the day (as noted in the good section, above!).  Basically I put them in their own beds when sleepy and check and console every 3-5 min, sometimes longer.  Takes anywhere from 5 min to 45 min of crying for them to be out.  I HATE the crying but I really feel there is no other way right now.

I am going to reassess after a week or so and decide if I need to move them out of the bed at night completely.  I LOVE cosleeping for so many reasons (ease of nightfeedings, and closeness/bonding being biggies), but only if they do actually sleep.  Which I know is possible --  I know tons of successful cosleeping families.  I hate the idea of getting up and fully awake for 1-3 feedings a night (and I do not feel like they are ready to cut those out yet, being so wee still).  But.  That would definitely be better than what we have currently.... 

Emma is crying too, because she is in time out for the SECOND time today for waking/attempting to wake the babies.  I shut the doors to their room and she bangs of them!  This morning she jumped onto the bed and started mauling them to try to wake them up.  OMG. This is a total non-negotiable for me, up there with playing with the oven and biting.  Seriously.  I put up with your challenging sleep issues, kid, don't mess with my efforts with your sisters.  

P.S. This was written yesterday, Friday, and indeed last night was much better.  Still some crying, still some sleeping on me later in the wee hours, but  lot less crying and more sleeping for us all. Whew. 

 I am typing this on my new MAC laptop, woohoo!  While also wearing two babies in carriers on front and back, while bouncing on the ball to get them to sleep.  Got to go put them down soon to give my shoulders a rest!

Well, after my last post I finally got a few hours of solid sleep and that helped my outlook some.  Ha!  We still really need to get cracking on some changes, though.   

Unfortunately, in the past few days both babies have caught a gross cold from Emma, and are snuffly, snotty, coughing little girls. Yuck.  I wanted to start doing some sleep stuff last night but its hard when they are so uncomfortable and having trouble breathing as it is (I'm getting it a little bit, too).  I pulled out TNCSS again and am definitely working on getting them to start falling asleep without sucking (basically you detach them over and over again right before they fall asleep until they just accept it and fall asleep without it).  It actually works faster and with less fuss than I'd expect, but at 3am with two babies its really hard to keep at it.  REALLY HARD.  After awhile, all plans get called off because I just have to get some sleep or I will be unable to function.  But, I have hopes that it will slowly work if I just keep at it whenever I can.  

I am also looking into getting a chair to nurse the babies in upstairs, as I currently have no option other than the bed, which is really difficult to get them both off of by myself without waking them.  We have a regular glider that just does not accommodate the twin nursing pillow plus the three of us anymore.  I am looking into something like this, and have a bunch of unused credit card points that I can use to get it. Should I go for it?  I think it will be used for a long time after nursing is over for reading bedtime stories and such, or as a comfortable living room or family room chair.  

This morning I got up and left the house at 7:30 (!) to go to the twins club sale with Delia.  We are members, so for a half hour before it opens to the public we can get in and snap up all the good deals.  So fun!  I got a playgym mat that I've really been wanting, two different styles of baby bath seats that should be AWESOME to help facilitate baby & Emma combo baths,  some fancy cloth diapers at great prices, and some misc. clothes that we were needing.   I love getting good deals on baby gear! 

Okay, more very soon.  I have a 4 month update about the babies that deserves its own post.  

Oh lord, I am feeling really run down.

Nighttime sleep with the babies has reached critical stages.  Something must be done, and I am dreading it.  Basically, at 4 months old they still won't sleep at night unless on me, boob in mouth (daytime is another story, oddly).  For awhile things were getting better in this regard but now its worse than its ever been.  They won't go down at night unless I am there, nursing them.  If I set them down, the cry. If Lonnie holds them or tries to get them to sleep, they cry.  If we are able to transfer them to the Amby, they sleep for 20-30 min and then cry.

The general schedule is that they sleep & doze on me from 8-10, while I read or do internet stuff, then on a good day they sleep on me from 10-12, nurse, sleep from 12:45-2, and then are dosing and nursing from 2-5, when Emma wakes us all up and we are up for the day.  On bad days, it is pretty much wakeups every hour all night long, with them mostly awake from 2-5.  Lonnie usually leaves around 5:50 for work.   I think I am getting about 5 hours of extremely interrupted sleep and am so exhausted I can barely see straight.   Man, I could kill for those newborn months when they were actually sleeping for 3-4 hour stretches. 

During the day, naps are erratic, but when they happen, they are generally good.  Then, too, they HAVE to nurse to sleep (or be in a carrier/the car), but they transfer like a dream and sleep 2-3 hours at a time.  Some days they definitely sleep more during the day than at night.  Of course, it is rarely at the same time, so I don't get a chance to nap at all.  

I have been trying to break the nurse to sleep habit by tanking them up with bottles, singing, bouncing, rocking, holding, cramming pacifiers in their mouths (no luck), setting them in their beds sleepy but awake (ha!), but after 3-4 hours of fussing/whining/screaming babies I just give in.  2 minutes later they are out.

I do intend to do some sleep training this weekend (I have to wait until Fri so Lonnie doesn't need to go to work the next day without sleep) and basically I am going let them still cosleep in our bed but just lie next to me, not nurse.  They are going to scream their heads off, and I hate that.  Still, I just don't feel comfortable letting them scream in their own beds/room alone, and I do LIKE cosleeping in general (because it is much easier to do night feedings).   

I am fairly certain that while some of these issues are temperament/personality based (seriously, all three of these girls have a freakin' strong opinions about things!) some is also due to my low milk supply, and the early need to keep them nursing as much and as frequently as possible.  It was pretty much the same with Emma, and I know several other low supply mamas in the same boat.  I wouldn't trade not nursing for good sleep, though, and wouldn't change a thing even in hindsight (other than maybe pushing the pacifiers more).  

On top of all this Emma is sick with a really bad cold and couldn't go to daycare today.  Boo!  I count on those two mornings a week to work on sleep with the babies and get stuff done around the house but today it was just a madhouse all morning.  I finally but Emma to bed at noon, an hour early, because I couldn't handle it any more.   2/3 are currently sleeping, and I think I will try now to grab some lunch and then take Delia to bed and get her to sleep a little with me so I can nap.  There are a million things I'd rather do but I really need it!

5 things I NEED to get done today this week soon:

1. Address/stuff/mail thank you notes/baby announcements (better late than never???)
   
2. Fold and put away mountains of laundry
3. Sort through and put away 0-3 month clothes, pull out 3-6.  Yay!
4. Bake some muffins.  Sneak in fruits/veggies for Emma.
5. Vacuum the tufts of dog hair off the floor
   

5 things I AM doing while ALL 3 kids are sleeping:

1. Check my blogs/forums/facebook
2. WRITE A BLOG POST!
3. Eat more Rice Krispie Treats
4. Shower?
5. Start folding clothes right as somebody wakes up....

New photos uploaded into the August and September folders....